Major Major Major Major!

Ok that's actually a character from a book I did NOT enjoy. (Which is rare by the way. Cause I am a worm of the book variety). But I just wanted to inform you lovely reader folk of some things I enjoy (or do not enjoy at all in any way, shape, form or fashion) about my major. Which is psychology. 

1. Lobotomies.

The first time you watch one performed, it's gag-worthy. And each of the subsequent times you view it, it is still gag-worthy. It's just one of those things that tickles your gag reflex

And if it doesn't, you're just crazy in the head. Maybe you need a lobotomy. Fix up your personality and all.

But seriously. Three times now, I have watched a dude hammer an ice pick through someone's eyelid. And the patient is awake. People willingly had ice picks jammed into their eyes and then twisted around. Like, there was a system to this shit. "30 degrees to the right! Hammer it in another three inches! 50 degrees toward the nose! DAMMIT BILLY THAT WAS 60 DEGREES. YOU HAVE RUINED HER PERSONALITY. NOW SHE'S GOING TO BE A BABY MOUSE MURDERER."

Thus the mouse trap was invented.

2. Electro-convulsive therapy.

I know this is still used today, often quite successfully, but there is just something so creepy about watching someone seize up. I mean first of all this lady is being electrocuted, and then also all her limbs just curl up and she looks like the girl from the grudge. 

It's just frightening. 

And yes, in almost every class I've had they show us videos of this shit. I've seen more ECT than lobotomies, but still. Nasty.

3. Trepanning.

This ridiculous word means that you get a hole drilled into your skull so that all the demons that make you crazy will go out. That was actually a thing. And we watched a video (this is sad for me. Video days always used to be the best days in class...) about a lady who lives on earth today in this day and age in the year 2012 as in presently. And she wanted this done. 

So of course they filmed it.

That shit was SEVERELY disturbing.

And she was put to sleep because, you know, they were DRILLING A DAMN HOLE INTO HER HEAD, and she was really really upset because she wanted to be awake for it. "I wanted to feel it." --actual quote from crazy woman in video.

Lady, I really hope this head hole solves your problems.

4. Blood draining.

So many frightening videos. Jesus.

Doctors used to drain your blood cause they thought the crazy was caused by some internal imbalance. But obviously it involved your body liquids, not the organ you think with.

So sometimes they would cut you, or sometimes they used leeches. And just, you know, stuck them all over your body because I guess they were just too lazy to slice you once with a knife.

And today this is still done. In Sweden. Friggin Swedes. But they use these weird suction cups that they put all over your back. And butt. Have you ever seen someone's back area all covered in little tubies that suck your fat up into them and then make it start spurting blood to fill it up?? Cause that's a thing.

Gotta get those demons out somehow.

Who wants pictures?

Sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll, minus the drugs and rock 'n' roll

A video for joo. Please enjoy it with your eyes and ears. I am sorry you cannot enjoy it with your nose, because I smell freaking phenomenal.

My life

Today I am here to update you on my life.

Here are some things that have occurred since returning to school. Which I did a week ago. Well, I came back a week ago. Obviously, we didn't have class on a Saturday. That would suck.

1. Creekside of Auburn is the devil.

I don't even believe in the devil. Great, watch me get possessed now. 

So we came back and guess what? Our Internet wasn't working. Which is madness. Because this has never happened before.

Except all last semester. Until we got a brand new router installed. And it worked for at least two days, and then at some point after I left for home for break it decided it didn't want to live anymore.
Stupid suicidal routers.
So I told Creekside to get their shit together and refund us and then let us get our own router and then deduct Internet fees from our rent.
They have not responded.

2. Creekside of Auburn is the devil.

Because all of their smoke detectors are linked.
Recently, I awoke at 5 a.m. to the sound of a smoke detector that needed changing. You know, it beeps every 15 seconds or so, obnoxiously, so that you are REALLY AWARE that you have to change the damn battery no matter what time of day.
So I went out in the hall and found the beeper and took the battery out. But it didn't stop. So I ripped it off the wall. And then another one started beeping. Like they were all brothers or something and they were like, "It's OK Jack, I don't think she heard you!! We got your back buddy! HEY BEEP! HE NEEDS CHANGING."
And so I went around ripping all of the smoke detectors off the wall, waking up my roommates in the process, until they were all down. And then the wall sockets started beeping.
I am not even kidding.
In addition, all of this occurred the night before classes started.
Seriously, is this house cursed?

3. Professors are douche bags.

I was pretty excited to take a developmental psychology class this semester. But I will not be doing that anymore.
Let me tell you why.
We had a choice in this class (of 150 students, mind you) to either:
          a. Do 30 hours of community service and write a daily journal plus a five-page paper, or
          b. Write a 15-page research paper with 15 primary sources and at least five other sources.
Listen, lady. Your class is worth three hours of credit. The minimum number of hours you can take at Auburn is 12. That means we have AT LEAST three other courses to be worrying about and studying for and reading for, etc.
Ridiculous. Class dropped.

Those are the adventures so far.

Oh, also, I shed so much that when I wash my sheets all the hair gets balled up into a little cluster-nasty which I feel on my toes and have a brief moment of sheer terror because I think it's a tarantula.

But no tarantulas so far. Knock on wood.

It's me! Mario! Also, resolutions and percoset.

Oh hi, remember me?

It's been a minute. But alas, I am a real person and sometimes things happen. As you know I got my tonsils out. I was fine for a few days, and then it was really hellish and terrible for a while and then I spat up a year and a half of blood and here we are.

And then I became addicted to my pain medication and went through withdrawal for four days. The holiday season that I became an accidental junkie...

And also my dad was in the hospital until Christmas Eve (he's fine, keep your pants on).

So I didn't really feel like writing. 

Sorry.

BUT NOW. I will share with you some resolutions.

1. Melt butter on a bald man's head.

This has been on my bucket list foreeeever, and 2013 feels like the perfect year to do it. All I need is a bald man (or a man willing to go bald for science), butter, and a hair dryer. Oh yes.

2. Eat a big mac.

I've never had one. Is that bad? I don't know. I just feel like everyone should have a big mac in their lifetime. I can't decide if I want to go all out and get everything or take off the nasties such as pickles and mustard. Thoughts?

3. Do something grown up with boyfriend.

Such as traveling together or spending a big holiday together. We have not done this yet. Which I think is ridiculous. Because that's just a thing that people do. But alas, it has not occurred. This is the year. I can feel it. 

4. Become more nimble with my toes.

I want to be able to pick things up with my feet. I can sort of, but it's a struggle. Like, I want someone to be all, "Hey, can I have the remote?" And then all of a sudden my foot is in their face GRASPING THE REMOTE CONTROL.

5. Don't become a fat ass.

Most people choose to start a diet or join a gym. Not I. I will just not gain weight. It's all a state of mind. 

6. Go to a bar and/or club

I am three years past 18 and STILL I have not gone to a club. And I need to go to a bar, obviously, because I am now of the age of legal drinking ability. Like, what is my life without bars and clubs?? EMPTY, I TELL YOU. EMPTY! 

7. Discover ways to keep my feet warm.

Socks and slippers just don't cut it. I have really skinny feet and really shitty circulation. No good. Get it together, science, and give me a solution! 

Also, on a completely unrelated note, I had a dream last night that women could grow facial hair and one of my friends from high school had a nice goatee going.

That is a good dream with which to start off the new year, I think.

Good. You should tell me your resolutions. Because I want to know. And if you don't have any, I can offer you some. Such as:

1. Watch more Game Show Network. 

It's real good. I especially recommend Million Dollar Password, Pyramid, Chain Reaction, and Lingo.

2. Consume lots of avocados.

Healthy fat, potassium, YUMMINESS. You can't go wrong here.

3. Don't shoot your gun in people's neighborhoods.

Not cool.

4. Drive better.

I know you are shitty drivers. Because I am the only good driver. Edumacate yourselves about four-way stops, remember that the left lane goes faster, and don't tailgate. Good.

GOOD. GOOOOOOD.

Hope the end of your 2012 was lovely. And I hope you did not cough up any blood or become addicted to pain medication like I did.