It's been a minute. But alas, I am a real person and sometimes things happen. As you know I got my tonsils out. I was fine for a few days, and then it was really hellish and terrible for a while and then I spat up a year and a half of blood and here we are.
And then I became addicted to my pain medication and went through withdrawal for four days. The holiday season that I became an accidental junkie...
And also my dad was in the hospital until Christmas Eve (he's fine, keep your pants on).
So I didn't really feel like writing.
Sorry.
BUT NOW. I will share with you some resolutions.
1. Melt butter on a bald man's head.
This has been on my bucket list foreeeever, and 2013 feels like the perfect year to do it. All I need is a bald man (or a man willing to go bald for science), butter, and a hair dryer. Oh yes.
2. Eat a big mac.
I've never had one. Is that bad? I don't know. I just feel like everyone should have a big mac in their lifetime. I can't decide if I want to go all out and get everything or take off the nasties such as pickles and mustard. Thoughts?
3. Do something grown up with boyfriend.
Such as traveling together or spending a big holiday together. We have not done this yet. Which I think is ridiculous. Because that's just a thing that people do. But alas, it has not occurred. This is the year. I can feel it.
4. Become more nimble with my toes.
I want to be able to pick things up with my feet. I can sort of, but it's a struggle. Like, I want someone to be all, "Hey, can I have the remote?" And then all of a sudden my foot is in their face GRASPING THE REMOTE CONTROL.
5. Don't become a fat ass.
Most people choose to start a diet or join a gym. Not I. I will just not gain weight. It's all a state of mind.
6. Go to a bar and/or club
I am three years past 18 and STILL I have not gone to a club. And I need to go to a bar, obviously, because I am now of the age of legal drinking ability. Like, what is my life without bars and clubs?? EMPTY, I TELL YOU. EMPTY!
7. Discover ways to keep my feet warm.
Socks and slippers just don't cut it. I have really skinny feet and really shitty circulation. No good. Get it together, science, and give me a solution!
Also, on a completely unrelated note, I had a dream last night that women could grow facial hair and one of my friends from high school had a nice goatee going.
That is a good dream with which to start off the new year, I think.
Good. You should tell me your resolutions. Because I want to know. And if you don't have any, I can offer you some. Such as:
1. Watch more Game Show Network.
It's real good. I especially recommend Million Dollar Password, Pyramid, Chain Reaction, and Lingo.
2. Consume lots of avocados.
Healthy fat, potassium, YUMMINESS. You can't go wrong here.
3. Don't shoot your gun in people's neighborhoods.
Not cool.
4. Drive better.
I know you are shitty drivers. Because I am the only good driver. Edumacate yourselves about four-way stops, remember that the left lane goes faster, and don't tailgate. Good.
GOOD. GOOOOOOD.
Hope the end of your 2012 was lovely. And I hope you did not cough up any blood or become addicted to pain medication like I did.
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