How to Freshman

Goooood morning fellow people! For those of you who don't already know, my "baby" bro started college classes yesterday. Which makes me feel approximately 90 years old. And it brought back all those memories of starting college, which made me feel even older (we're talking in the hundreds here) because I'm a senior now. You know what that means. I am a fountain of college advice. It's true. But not like, a wishing fountain, so don't throw pennies and shit at me. 

Here are some pro tips for all you new collegiate freshman.

To quote the speaker at my freshman commencement, "Go. To. Class." You (or more likely, your parents) are paying an exorbitant amount of money to take classes. If you skip them, you might as well throw $10,000 out of your small dorm room window, assuming it actually opens. Also, think of the poor professors. Most of them are passionate about their subjects and want you to learn and experience as much as possible. Don't waste their time, yo. It's rude! 

This is probably too late, as classes have started at almost every university, but living on campus for at least a year is the thing to do. It's like a fashion trend but for housing. Seriously, if I hadn't lived on campus I don't know how in the hell I would have met people. And going potluck on a roommate, though scary, can be such an excellent experience. You get to know so much about not only your roomie, whether random or not, as well as your dorm mates. And it's nice, because you're all simultaneously excited and scared shitless so you have a lot to talk about. 

Budget. Budget. Good lord, budget. This is something I totally suck at, so I can say from experience that it is a TERRIBLE idea to not budget. Set a limit for things, like groceries or shopping or eating out or whatever, and just don't exceed that limit. I don't know about y'all, but I feel like an idiot having to go to my parents and asking for monies because I ate at Olive Garden too many times this month. Because I'm an adult, dammit....sort of....and I want to be thought of that way! 

Pay your rent. That seems like a total "duh," I know. But for real, if you don't pay it on time, you get charged late fees, and then more late fees, and then it all adds up and suddenly you're getting evicted for not having paid rent for three months. OK, maybe not. But still. It happens the first of the month, every month. You know when it's coming, so as Scar would say, "Be prepaaaared!"

Rent your textbooks. For some reason, I thought it was a good idea to buy all my textbooks for my first year and a half. Then suddenly, I realized I was selling them all back at the end of the semester (selling here meaning receiving approximately 1/10 of what the book was initially worth. Those things depreciate faster than cars) and not keeping them. And why pay $200 for a book only to get $20 when you try to sell it back to the bookstore? Rent it used for $40 instead. You don't make anything back, but at least you're not $180 in the hole. I would strongly suggest Chegg. They have the lowest prices and get your books to you in like four days, tops. It's awesome. 

Finally, stop focusing on the future so much. I'm a chronic worrier, so of course that's what I always do. My eyes are always on the prize. But I tell you what, you miss a lot that way, and then suddenly you're a senior graduating in December and about to become a real person and it is FRIGHTENING. It's cool, you got time. I mean, don't waste a bunch of money taking classes you're not sure of, but if you have to take core classes for two years while you figure out a major, it's not a big deal. And if you change major three times, you can still graduate on time, maybe even early. Trust me, I know from experience. 

So, take these tips as you will, and go be the freshman that you are—clogging up food lines for two weeks at the beginning of the year until you realize you're spending all your dining money too quickly, forgetting to set alarms, staying up too late and subsequently drinking far too much caffeine, and trying out all those cool new college things like parties and drinking and one night stands. Whether you hate it or love it, it's all about the experience, and other cliches of a similar order.

You'll figure it out. 

The Biggest Baby in the World and the Madness that Ensued as a Result of its Largeness

You guys. I’m pissed. I’ma tell you a story.

The Background:

For those of you who don’t know, my family recently relocated to Chattanooga to rejoin my dad, who’s been working down here for a year. He got a position on the medical faculty at UTC and practices at Erlanger hospital and presides over OB/GYN residents.

The Incident:

Today my dad had a delivery, and it appeared that the lady would have to have a C-Section (due to her oh-my-god excessive weight and the oh-my-jesus-gracious-goodness-ouch size of her unborn baby). The chief resident was supposed to come induce labor and then do the C-Section as well. Instead, though, Mizz Chief Rez sent another resident to do the induction and then figured she’d pop over to do the C-Section. But that wasn’t the plan. So my dad just let the resident who actually showed up when he was supposed to do both.

Then Mizz Thing gets her panties all in a twist and comes out and goes off on my dad, embarrassing him and disrespecting him in front of his colleagues and other residents.

The Reaction:

A) I’m sorry, bitch, but you must not realize how incredibly lucky you are to have one of the BEST OB/GYNs in the state of Tennessee (that’s not just me speaking, that’s the state speaking) as your mentor. He gave up an amazing practice in Knoxville where he was adored by all his patients and coworkers to come here because he loves teaching.

B) Where in the HELL did you get the idea that it’s OK to speak to your superior like that? This man is not your colleague; he is your PROFESSOR and your presiding doctor. He is essentially your boss man while you’re doing your little residency thing here. You will go nowhere in the workplace speaking to people above, or even below or on the same level as, you like that.

C) That’s not how being a doctor, or any professional for that matter, works. You don’t send someone else to do your dirty work and then just show up for whatever it is you really wanted to do. Especially at this level, when you’re not actually a real freaking doctor, you might want to watch how you present yourself.

D) My dad ain’t some hobo on living under a bridge that you can talk to however you want and get away with it. He is very influential in his workplace, and guess whom he talked to about this little incident? The dean. Guess who’s got a suspension coming her way?

I hate seeing my dad upset about something that he genuinely loves to do and something that he is very, VERY good at. He is an amazing teacher and mentor. He is far too intelligent for any earth-dwelling being to be and relays that wealth of knowledge to all of his students and residents. It’s not fair to him. It’s insulting to him AND to the program to talk to him that way at all, let alone in such a public setting. Thank goodness justice will be served to this idiot girl.

Brief tangent relating this incident to my generation in general:

Here are some pro tips from someone who wasn’t raised by Sandy Douche Nozzle and Billy Ass Hat about how to go about your life in general, not just in the workplace.

1) Punctuality is important. I hate hate HATE when people are late, because there is just no reason for it. Leave yourself enough time for any accidents and incidents that may happen. God forbid, that might mean you arrive a little early. Don’t disrespect people’s time.

2) Respecting your elders isn’t just an old saying; it’s how you should live your life. The fact is that people who are older than you have more life experience. That’s how time works. Listen to what they say. If you have a question or a complaint, there’s a way to bring it up politely. And for goodness’ sakes, don’t just whine about it. Offer a solution or an alternative. Otherwise there is no reason to be talking about it.

3) Be responsible. I guess that’s kind of a catch all category that would include the first two…but still. Clean up after yourself. Dress and present yourself well. Learn to write and express yourself clearly, professionally, and concisely. Do things you aren’t asked to do. Take initiative. Don’t be lazy.

This isn’t to say that everyone around my age is like this; these things just tend to be stereotypes about my generation. I surround myself with people who are responsible, polite, and hardworking. I know so many people who work multiple jobs and pay for everything themselves, and some are younger than I am. Now, you don’t have to go out and get three jobs to be a respectable person….it’s just…what I’m trying to say here is….the basic point of this rant and all these tips is:

4) Don’t be an asshole.

Life in Shitside

I have done it. I have somehow managed to gather all of my horrible experiences in Creekside and condense them into a single review which I will subsequently post on every apartment review website I can find in the hopes of saving other poor innocent souls.

Without further ado, here tis: 

Creekside of Auburn claims to have the best pool and amenities in Auburn and to be “student living redefined.” Their definition of student living, however, did not live up to its advertisement.

Firstly, what they boast as the best pool in Auburn is ever crawling with non-residents and is usually dirty. Oftentimes people who come to the pool don’t even know anyone in the complex (I have no idea how they get in). Adding to their being unwelcome is the fact that they, along with actual residents, throw empty beer cans and cigarettes into the pool, making it disgusting and completely unable to be used.

Creekside also advertises itself as a gated community. Unlike other gated complexes, however, Creekside uses a barcode scan system, which is usually broken. Thus the gates are open 24 hours a day, including weekends. If the gates are closed and the scanner is broken, there is no code to open the gates, which led to three broken gates because of cars driving through them in the year that I lived there. Why they chose a system with no backup way to get in is beyond me.

Creekside is a magnet for irresponsible students who love to party loudly. I did not understand how there could be such a high concentration of people with such habits, but then I discovered that much of Creekside’s advertising involves half of drink specials for residents and other alcoholic incitements. There were obnoxiously loud parties that could be heard two rows of houses over and up the street nearly every weekend and even on weekdays. These parties were rampant with underage drinking and lasted until four a.m. or later. The courtesy officer never picks up his phone, so the police usually come. This is an inconvenience and an annoyance for the officers, especially since Creekside hired someone who is supposedly responsible for taking care of such noise disturbances.

The Internet is abysmal, and it is nearly impossible to get someone to come out and fix it. Our Internet didn’t work for three months, and the management refused to give us a refund on the portion of our rent that went toward cable and Internet. They also refused to let us get our own router.

Management threatens to fine its residents constantly, but never follows up; therefore, what looks like a beautiful complex from outside the gates is full of porches that are littered with beer cans, cigarettes, trash, and beer pong tables. Any complaints about the state of the porches will go unnoticed.

All in all, Creekside is a place for rich kids whose parents don’t care if they drink excessively underage and blow off classes in the morning due to a midweek party. Were I a parent, no matter how much money I had, I would avoid investing in a unit in Creekside like the plague.