Regarding Vomit

Here's a fun thing I have: Emetophobia. I didn't know it had a name until recently, but basically it's a phobia of vomit—the verb or noun version. It's actually pretty annoying, and can really impair your life, but as per usual I'm going to attempt to turn a terrible thing into a hilarious thing.

Nobody likes puke. It's not like there's someone out there who feels a rumble in their tummy and runs to the bathroom like, "YES THIS COULD BE THE TIME." Shit, maybe there is a person like that. You never do know.

But you get my point. Vomiting is not an inherently fun activity, whether it's you or someone else doing it. It hurts and it's smelly and not very tasty. So what is it like to be sick to your stomach when you have a phobia of being sick to your stomach?

Basically I spend my whole life fearing it, which is an absolutely ridiculous thing. I typically avoid activities that could induce vomiting, such as drinking too much or eating copious amounts of food at once or vigorous physical activity or prolonged periods of time spent in heat. If my stomach makes even the slightest rumble, I'm already starting to sweat. I then become the Jason Bourne of barfing. I become hyper aware and within moments can locate the closest bathroom or trash can or other appropriate receptacle just in case terror does strike.

Of course, the vast, VAST, majority of the time, a tummy rumble does not equal need to purge. Tummies make noises and do weird shit all the time. But in my poor emetophobic mind, it is already a catastrophe.

The truly delightful thing is when the panic sets in. When I have a panic attack, my whole digestive tract just flips the fuck out. It's super fun because it becomes a vicious cycle. Tummy rumble-->panic-->nausea-->panic-->nausea. It's a real party.

The truly truly especially excellently delightful thing is when I am actually sick, and it's not in my head. Because then it's like, "AHA, confirmation bias! See, I was actually sick!! Oh no...THIS COULD HAPPEN AT ANY TIME. OH GOD." And so starts the relentless worrying all over again.

There is, however, a brief period of reprieve that I experience every time I do actually get sick. I sort of have a moment there on my bathroom floor and think to myself, "Huh, well that wasn't actually the WORST thing in the world," but that rational thought leaves as quickly as it comes in and the phobia returns to its throne.

Vomit is a really, really stupid thing to be afraid of. I mean, I would say that I worry more about my stomach more than I worry about, say, getting mugged again when I'm out at night. That's not normal. But I know I'm not the only person with this odd fear.

I find it somewhat funny that I talked about fear and the ability to conquer things you've already experienced in my last post and specifically made reference to the stomach flu. *Sigh* I guess I should take my own advice.

Veni Vidi Vici, Vomit.

We die with regret for what we wouldn't let begin

Let me ask you a question. How much of your life is dictated by fear? How many things have you avoided because you were afraid of the consequences? Let me ask you another question. Have you felt pain? Loneliness? Sadness? Anxiety? Of course you have. And when you did, did you get through it? Of course you did. So what makes you think you can’t do it again?

I find myself in a graduate program for social work, unmotivated and overall unhappy with my coursework and what I’m studying. I’m here because I received my BA in psychology, and a graduate degree is the next logical step. I received my BA in psychology from Auburn. And I went to Auburn because I was too scared to go to Belmont for commercial music.

I find myself single and unsure of how to navigate dating. I don’t like “the game.” I don’t like waiting for people to text me first or call me first. If you like somebody, why wouldn’t you text or call them? Or, if you text them first, are you just doing so because you’re afraid they won’t contact you at all if you don’t do it first? Is everything motivated by fear?

My brother is more courageous than I because he followed his passion to study theater at MTSU. My father is more courageous than I because he followed his passion for teaching. My mother is more courageous than I because she followed her passion for singing and belted out a song from one of her favorite musicals on stage (and nailed it, by the way).

I have an entire family of brave people who follow their passions. So what the fuck am I doing here?

Life would be easier if we all just did the things we wanted. If I had done what I wanted to do, my life would look a lot different. Five years ago, I would have gone to school for performance despite being afraid that I wouldn't make it. Two years ago, I would have left a relationship that I stayed in at the time because I was afraid I wouldn’t find someone else. A few months ago, I would have been more up front about my feelings with a guy I was dating instead of being afraid that they would drive him away.

What if I had gone to school for performance and not done well? I would have been upset, probably heartbroken. And then I would have found another job or gotten another degree and moved the fuck on with my life. What if I had left that relationship? Maybe I wouldn’t have been able to find anyone else for a while. Maybe I would have been sad for a really long time. But see, the relationship ended anyway, and it was really difficult, but guess what? I got over it. What if I had been up front about my feelings with the guy I dated recently? Maybe he would have run away. But at least I would have known that I was honest, and that I tried. Would I have been sad? Of course I would have, but I’ve been there before. I’ve felt the sadness and the hurt and the loneliness and eventually it goes away.

Why are we so afraid of those feelings? Yeah, they suck, but they shouldn’t be a reason to go through life avoiding things. I hate to tell you, but those feelings—hurt, loneliness, pain, sadness—are like the stomach flu. No one wants it, but there are going to be a few times in life where you have to deal with it. The great thing about those terrible feelings—and, for that matter, the stomach flu—is that there is an end. There is another side. You won’t feel that way forever. And once you’ve been through it once, and you know that you can conquer it, why fear it?

You know, maybe this is where I’m supposed to be. For the first time, I’m writing and playing music with a pretty excellent group of musicians. I’m playing out at open mics. I’m writing more music than I ever have. I’m sure this all would have happened a lot sooner had I chosen a performance path, but whatever, I’m doing it now.

For the first time, I’m doing things alone. Going out, going to open mic, going to concerts, whatever. I was terrified to do those things without a friend at my side, but it’s not so bad. In fact, I think it’s been good for me to realize that no matter where I go, I can always find someone to talk to or make new friends.

For the first time, I’m actually dating. Not like, exactly right now, but in general. I’ve never been great at dating or commitment, but I’m figuring it out and dealing with the blunders and the pain along the way.

It’s time for me to be honest with myself and with other people, whether it’s about goals, motivations, feelings, or anything else. I can’t live my life being afraid of consequences or what might happen. Have you ever heard anyone say, "Boy I'm sure glad I didn't do that thing I really wanted to do because it might not have worked out"? No. No you have not.

I’m done being afraid. I’ve been to the bottom and I’ve come right back up, and if need be, I can do it again. Just try me.