Rain and blood and being horny

It rained today and I PLAYED IN IT. I DID IT. Roommate and I were working out and we finished and she looked outside and said, "It's raining. We should go play on it!" And I did that rage face. You know, this one: 

Because this was SUCH a GOOD idea. 

So we went downstairs and told everyone in our dorm lobby that we were going to go play in the rain and no one wanted to come with us. But then they changed their minds. For they knew that they all wanted to be four years old with us. So some of the boys brought out a giant tarp and we put dish soap on it and slid down a hill on it. And it wasn't long enough so most of us slid onto the grass too. I had grass on my ass. Like, all over it. It was also soapy. I could have washed your dishes by booty dancing on them. 

But then I had a realization. This is what it was: "I am on my period. But it was not quite heavy enough for a tampon, so I am just wearing a pantyliner right now...and I've been sliding through puddles... GOOD."And so, my little pantyliner became quite strikingly large as it did it's little job and absorbed all of the liquid. I swear to god it weighed like four pounds. Gross. 

Speaking of periods, we discussed them in my biology class the other day. According to a study my teacher showed us, boyfriend and I will BOTH experience high-intensity horniness in t-minus 12 days, because according to teacher, that is when I will be ovulating. And my body will recognize this and tell me (and boyfriend because of the pheromones I will be releasing), "YOU MUST HAVE SEX IMMEDIATELY IN ORDER TO RECEIVE THE BEST RESULTS FOR PREGNANCY." So boyfriend and I are keeping track of our horniness levels for the next month-ish just to see if this is right. 

Everyone should try this!! You should experience peak horniness 14 days minus the end of your cycle. For instance, if your cycle is 30 days long, as mine is, your horniness should peak on day 16. Which is counted from when your period starts. This all sounds much more confusing than it actually is....sorry for that. But if you understood all of that, record your horniness and see if it is truuuuue!

You suck at driving.

You do. Everybody sucks at driving but me. I am a WONDERFUL driver. But an angry one. I am a very happy person. Always smiling and whatnot. Not very many people see me get legitimately angry. Those who have driven with me, however, have born witness to the angry driving monster that lives inside me.

Driving Rule Nummer Eins:
Four-way stops. Learn how to use them. DON'T HESITATE, PEOPLE. It's simple. I will tell you what to do. Ready? If you get there first, you go first.

WHAT???

No, really. It's that damn easy. If you get there at the same time, the person to your right goes first. If the person is across from you, BE ASSERTIVE and just GO. Because it's likely that the person across from you is a moron like everyone else and will sit there waving his hands about at you and then begin to go and get nervous and stop. So you're good. Go. Please. For the love of god, drive.

Driving Rule Nummer Zwei:
Speed limits are there not only to mark a technically lawful limit to how fast you can go, but because people will generally be going that speed. So if you're on a road with, say, a 45-mph speed limit and you're going 25, you're an asshole and should be removed from the road immediately. Have you ever noticed, you dumb dumb slow dumb drivers, the GIANT LINE OF CARS BEHIND YOU?? Most of them are screaming at you. Please please them and press on that accelerator juuuuuust a little bit. You can do it, Grandma Pearl.

Driving Rule Nummer Drei:
Parking lines are your friend. They're not guidelines, like, hey if you park in the general area of where these lines are, you're good to go. It's more like, hey put your wheels between me. Think of parking lines as that slut you've been dreaming of running into at the bar who will quickly agree to be your fun buddy for the night. These parking lines are ALREADY SPREAD APART for you to enter into them.  They beckon to you. Would you be OK with just going "somewhere around the slut's vag?" No, because this would end badly. Same thing with parking, dude. Same thing.

Such basic concepts, and yet people so frequently fail...everyone should retake their driver's tests. Except me. Cause I don't suck at driving like you do.

SWEAT

You guys. I sweat sooooo much. It's gross. I sweat like a giant hairy lumberjack who has just got back from chopping down a 5,000-foot tree when it's 9 billion degrees outside.

Or something like that.

And it's not just my armpits....it's like, everything. It's super embarrassing. The worst is the butt sweat...or back of thighs sweat...whatever it is. Whenever I wear skirts or shorts you can count on there being a little sweaty sweat mark on all my damn chairs. I know, right? It's really attractive. And it's not even when I'm hot, it's just allll the time. It's the worst when I'm out to eat with friends or something and we're sitting in a booth and I have to get out to go to the bathroom and I know, I KNOW, they see my nasty butt/thigh sweat mark but they're too nice to say anything about it. And when I get up from seats that have leathery-esque cushions on them my thighs make a little de-sticking noise when I stand up. Cool. I don't even know how I have friends.

Also my face. I put on makeup every morning, I swear to god, and it just goes away. My pores reject everything I guess. My little sebaceous glands are like, NO! No makeup! I do not want this nasty creamy flesh-toned GOOP ON ME!! If you would just accept it, face, you would see how much lovelier you would look. Truly. I don't know why I bother anymore.

And my hair. No. I don't even want it. I have these stupid little fart cowlicks on both damn sides of my head because the universe wanted me to have unattractive little flappy hair dumbs no matter what way I part my hair. Thanks, universe. Truly. You have made me so happy. I often will use my little baby straightener to tame them, but tis usually no use. I move one inch and the sweat glands on my scalp are all, SHE'S MOVING EVERYONE!! GOGOGOGO RELEASE THE DAM! YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN SHE COULD BE TOO HOT! It could be NOW!!! Thanks for the concern, scalpy sweat glands, but I'm really OK. Seriously, one day try and restrain yourselves and you'll see. Happiness for everyone.

And of course my armpits sweat obnoxiously too. I can't tell you how many white shirts I've ruined. White shirts that I really liked....I don't get those nice ladylike sweat tacos. I get sweat 16 oz. steaks. There are times when it gets to the bottom of my rib cage. Joy and rapture.

Am I alone? Please tell me someone else sweats this much.

LOL Lingo

So....boyfriend has this obsession. League of Legends. Heard of it? He and his roomies nerd out hardcore over it. Sometimes when I'm over and we're hanging out he'll be like, "Babe...can I just go play one game really quick?" And I, girlfriend of the year, always say yes.

I wanted to learn about this phenomenon that gamers so lovingly call LOL, because last Summer I totally nerded out with bf about Magic the Gathering and I thought I might like this too.

WRONG.

It's so confusing and annoying because nobody wants you to talk. For seriously half an hour if you say something like, "Hey can you hand me a coke?"everyone else will be like, "DUDE. Shut up. I can't hear what Frank Todd is telling me to do!!" I like talking. I do. I could not handle this.

I was so sad. Because after becoming totally obsessed with MTG and buying a deck and making two of my own and getting everyone else I know into it, I was ready to add more nerd to myself. But alas, not this time.

But anyway, there are all these words and insider things that people use on these games. For instance, when Brazilian people (who apparently all love LOL) want to express laughter via keyboard, they type, "juejuejuejuejue." Awesome. I don't remember any other lingo from LOL because I was too confused...

I do, however, remember very distinctly boyfriend and his roommates speaking videogame when they played Super Smash Brothers Melee. Allow me to recreate their conversation:

"DUDE! You down-b'd when I side b'd and it made me fall off!!"
"Tagteam!"
"SHIT. Don't a when I b, dude, seriously."
"I was trying to push him off with my side b!"
"Dammit!!! I died again. Freakin side b."

I felt like an alien. Videogame is its own language. I don't even know what buttons do what. I win by the luck of happening to push the right random buttons.

Next time I guess I'll just have to remember to side b when someone down b's.

OOTD Log 2: Smurf BJ

Let me tell you why.

Today. That's why.

*sigh* I suppose I will elaborate...

Reason 1: I keep forgetting (BECAUSE IT'S A STUPID THING THAT HAPPENS) that the freakin allergy clinic here on the plains is closed from 11-1 EVERY DAY, which, of course, happens to be the most convenient time for me to get my shots. I consistently show up during that time and there's no one there and the receptionist lady is like, "Oh, bless your little heart," and I just get angry. Don't bless my damn heart, lady.

Reason 2: The toe blister. I got a blister on my pinky toe yesterday from my sandals. It was fine all last night and this morning, but then the universe turned on me. I stubbed my poor pinky toe on the bathroom door and it went right onto the blister. It didn't pop, but it HURT. Shortly thereafter, a stud earring leapt out from the bounds of my shag carpet and stabbed me in the blister. Again, not popped (HOW? I don't even know) but now it is extremely painful. Cool.

Reason 3: I have never, EVER had any troubles with my wonderful car. This school year, however, I've had to bring it to the shop three times. First, because my brake pads wore off. Second, because I had a headlight out. Then recently, it's been doing this thing where it shakes when I start it. Usually I can turn it off and back on and it'll start fine, but not this day. This day the universe would rather I have been at Whitt's Auto Shop than studying for my two tests tomorrow. So to the shop it went. Many thanks to my suitemate for driving me back.

Reason 4: I ate shaved ice and it looked like I had given a smurf a blow job. 

This is a hard life I live. 

Chinese Parking Games

Tonight was hilarious.
You might not think it was as funny as I did....cause maybe it was one of those things where you had to be there....but I thought it was HILARIOUS. HILARIOUS!!


First: Saw The Hunger Games. That wasn't funny. Well, some of it was. Mostly it was just epic as SHIT.

Second: Stupid truck is stupid. The dude that was parked next to me when we came out of the movie theater was like, all up in my bidness. Perhaps his right back wheel found my left back wheel sexually attractive and it wanted some of that...idk. But here is the note boyfriend and I left him:

There is a smiley face after the part that says, "Have a nice day." 

Third: On the way home, there were some dudes doing a Chinese fire drill at a stoplight. And right when they got in their car we heard a siren. There happened to be a cop RIGHT BEHIND THEM and they got pulled over and got a ticket. Hilarious.

Oh, also, this afternoon boyfriend threw a grape into someone's open window in the quad....it was a bathroom window....sorry if that was you. Hee hee! 

Help me Freud

I don't think you understand. I have the weirdest dreams ever. Not like, "Oh, Kelly, that's a bit strange," but like, "Is there a mental institution still in service?" I will enlighten you. If you have any ideas, for the love of god, tell me what they mean....

The toilet dream.

I have a recurring-ish dream about toilets. It's always about the same thing, but not in the same place. I am always in a bathroom where the toilets are sick nasty. Overflowing, etc. In one dream, a toilet actually spat at me. In the most recent toilet dream I had, all the toilets were overflowing and so I peed on a long block of wood that had been hollowed out in the middle so the pee could flow through it. Because that makes sense.

The pirate ship dream.

This is not recurring. This only happened once, by the grace of god.

I am walking across a river with my brother and Jesus. Jesus is in the middle and we are holding hands with him. I feel I should mention that we are walking ON the water. Probably because Jesus is with us. We get about 50 feet from the pirate ship and Jesus tells us that he can't go any farther with us, and to continue walking on water to get there we must grill six hot dogs. A grill rises from the river and we do so. When we get to the pirate ship, we must not be seen by all the naked people swimming around it. Our mission is to dismantle all the airplanes on the top deck and fill the cannons with the dismantled airplane parts.

That is not a joke. That was my dream. We completed the mission successfully, in case you were wondering.

The disney character dream.

I had this dream like two days ago. I was staying in a hotel, and everyone had brought their kittens with them. "Everyone" being the people in the hotel. There was some kind of convention going on where you painted your kitty to look like a disney character (that sounds bad. Kitty as in a baby cat. Not a vagina.). I remember passing one painted as Ursula and thinking it was scary. Philip Lutzenkirchen was there, just like the rest of us, to paint up his kitten. Because that's just what football players do. Duh.

Seriously, what is up with my subconscious? Thoughts??

PS: Completely unrelated, but this just happened as I was retrieving my lean cuisine from the fridge before I proofread this post. Roommate keeps panty liners on top of our fridge because, I don't know, it's convenient I guess. And I accidentally knocked them off. They fell behind the fridge and SOMEHOW the box stayed upright. I celebrated this minor victory and then went to pull the box out, and it flipped over. The result:

Panty liners all up in this bitch. Really? Really??

Anyway, let me know your thoughts on my dreams. Or the panty liner incident. Whatever kills your mockingbird.

Pew-Pew-Pewbs. And other unnecessary things.

Apes. That is what humans are supposedly evolved from. We have come so far from our lumbering ancestors! And yet, we still have pubic hair. What the fuck, evolution?

Pubes.

Pubes are dumb. They are itchy and get caught on shit and are ugly and UNNECESSARY. Pubes were there to protect our early neanderthal brethren (and...sistren....?) from the pokey, injurious world. But we have clothes now for that. We learned to walk upright and have become less hairy in other places, but pesky friggin pubes still remain. WHY? WHYYYYY? 

Appendixes.

Again. Useless. Potentially dangerous. Even life-threatening. And yet there they remain, our little appendixes, hanging like the floppy little shit sacks they are from our cecums. (The plural of that in Latin is actually cica, in case you were wondering). STUPID. GO AWAY. We don't need you to digest the thorny sticks or whatever it was primitive humans used to eat.

Wisdom teeth.

God that was a shitty surgery. Everyone told me it was going to be fine. But then I freaked out, as per usual, and was sobbing uncontrollably so they gave me three times as much valium as they normally give people because I couldn't calm the heck down and so I puked afterward. And couldn't rinse my mouth. For fear of dry sockets. Get out of our lives, wisdom teeth. GO. 

Tonsils.

So many infections. So many things to go wrong. I get tonsil stones and I want to kick babies in their faces every time I have one because it hurts and it makes my breath smell and there is nothing good about it. REMOVE YOURSELVES FROM OUR LIVES, TONSILS. Forever. Please? 

Pickles.

No. Gross. The government must eliminate them. 

I help myself out

So you know how a while back I had that whole thing about how I said dumb things and people corrected me? Well, sometimes that happens in my head. And the irrational side will say something, and my rational side (it does exist!!) will gently tell my irrational side what a stupid fart it is.

Irrational side: I wish that they made snuggies for your legs so that when I got up to go do stuff after being in my snuggie they weren't so cold.
Rational side: Sweatpants, darling. Sweatpants.
--This was today. I had to pee but was hesitant to leave the warmth of my snuggie. My rational side didn't help much here though, because my sweatpants were across the room in my dresser, so I would have had to move anyway to get them. I did get up to pee eventually, in case you were wondering. It was a cold, cold walk to the bathroom.

Irrational side: I love 3-D movies!! Why is this not real life??
Rational side: ............
--I don't even want to talk about it. I think this was when I went to see Up...maybe?

Irrational side: This is a large bonfire. What if it explodes and my face burns off?
Rational side: There are no explosives in wood. So you're good.
--During the bonfire that we attended whilst at the beach

Irrational side: God where the FUCK is my spoon???
Rational side: Check your left hand.
--When I wanted to eat my applesauce. Literally searched every surface in the room before noticing it was already in my hand.

Sorry I had like zero blogs last week....the Internet at the house died, and no matter how many times we restarted the router it just didn't work. But I am back and crack-a-lackin! So get ready for the funny. Cause it's back. Good. Hope you enjoyed this post.

Doing nothing

There are two reasons I have not done a blog in a few days. One: We haz no Internet at the beach house that we are staying at : ( Two: We haven't done anything. At all.

Since I have nothing exciting to tell you about our trip, here are a few hilarious quotes said by our group that I have documented:

"Hickory Barbery!!"
-Suitemate attempting to say Hickory Barbecue. And failing.

"Krompf the Destroyer!"
-Suitemate's alternate identity. Krompf is the sound she makes when crushing cars with her giant beast feet.

Roommate: UNO!
Me: Dos!
Suitemate: Tres!
Wren: Cuatro!
Suitemate: CINCO!!!
Me: That was my turn!!
Suitemate: Sorry...I got excited.
-I don't know why we were counting in Spanish....but this is what ensued.

"Logical solutions: evading Kelly since 1991."
-Suitemate. This is so hilariously true. I don't remember what illogical thing I said to inspire this, but it is quite a normal occurrence for me to not come to a logical solution.

Roommate: That beard is fake!!
Me: No, it's not.
Suitemate: Let me see. I'm the beard expert.
-Our discussion regarding the man who sings in the Ra Ra Rasputin music video.

"When I brush my teeth, I close my eyes to visualize my toothbrush in my mouth where it's at."
-Suitemate closes her eyes to see things she can't actually see.

"I have a pussy. Can I see yours?"
-Suitemate gives a possibility for how Cee Lo Green might hit on a lady based on his giant white cat.

That is all. Sorry if I have no more posts until next week.

Shower troubles and snarkiness

To understand what happened to me with the shower this morning, first you must see it:

So, this is really a gigantic tub with a little shower head that you kinda just pick up out of its little nest. You must pull up the knob next to it for it to turn on. Getting this knob to pull up is like trying to pull a freight train. The little metal thing near the front is the hot water knob that doesn't actually have a knob like the cold water one next to it does. It does not twist well. Trying to turn that knob is like trying to swing a freight train round and round. So here is what happened:

1. I took my pants off. Left my shirt on for some reason.
2. Could not figure out how to turn water on.
3. Put towel around waist.
4. "Wrenyth*!! How do you work the shower??"She showed me.
5. Turned on cold water. Hot water knob failed to turn.
6. Repeat step 3.
7. "Wrenyth!! I can't turn on the hot water!" She somehow did it with her magical strength.
8. Could not pull up stupid freight train shower knob. Struggle with it. Attempt to use wash cloth as grip. Fail. Put leg on step for leverage. Fail.
9. Repeat step 3.
10. "Wrenyth!! The stupid shower knob won't come up!" She, with some effort, manages to pull it up.
11. Shower.
12. Push shower knob down. Turn off cold water. Fail to turn off hot water.
13. Put towel around whole body.
14. "WRENYTH! Now the hot water won't turn off!!"
15. Bathroom getting extremely steamy at this point.
16. Wrenyth cannot get it to turn either.
17. "MOM!! The hot water knob won't turn!!!"
18. Mom brings wrench. After the bathroom has turned into the amazon rainforest, she finally manages to get it off.
19. Suitemate has no trouble showering.

*This is what I call my roommate.

SO. Once we all managed to get clean, which was apparently only difficult for me, we went to a little outside mall called The Renaissance. There we went to a store called Angie's because they had cute dresses. Here is what happened there:

We walked in, and immediately saw this bitchin' dress.

Suitemate: OMG Kelly you should totally try that on! Find it in your size!
Snarky store lady: That's the only one in the store.
Me: Well it's my size! *start to take it off the rack*
SSL: Ummmm you have to have a parent with you.
All three of us: *give her a stare that says, 'Areyoufuckingkiddingmedowelookthatyoung??'*
Me: Um, we're 20.
SSL: Well, you have to have a parent with you to buy it.
Me: We're 20. We can buy our own clothes.
SSL: Well to try it on you have to be planning on buying it because it puts a lot of wear and tear on the dresses to have all those people try it on.

Your dresses are not that special. If I can try on dresses at freakin BETSY JOHNSON and they're still in good shape for the people who do end up buying them, I think your dresses will be OK. But, FINE, bitch. Do you seriously talk to customers that way? Because if you do, I really don't understand how you have any at all. So, if you're in the Jackson, MS area and go to The Renaissance shopping center, I would strongly suggest avoiding that store.

Unless, of course, you have your parent with you.

The game of LIFE

First day of Spring Break. We played the game of LIFE because it is my favorite game. (PS right now we are in Mississippi). Here are the results:

Roommate
Career: Police Officer
Salary: $90,000 (PLUS 10 spins PLUS two stocks)
Husband: Alex DeLeon (The Cab singer)
Child: Aiden. I wanted it to be Larpy
Result: WINNER

Suitemate
Career: Doctor
Salary: $80,000 (Plus stock!)
Husband: L'Nathan the Lumberjack (she wanted to marry a lumberjack and for his name to be Nathan. But I wanted alliteration. So we compromised with the L apostrophe).
Child: L'Nathan junior
Result: Really, really shitty doctor. L'Nathan junior and the whole family was starving because she bought the victorian house.

Roommate's Mom
Career: Computer Specialist
Salary: $100,000
Husband: her own
Child: none : (
Result: Second place

Me
Career: Entertainer (YES)
Salary: $70,000 (Plus stock!)
Husband: Boyfriend
Children: Girl twins, Peyton and Parker
Result: Third place. Guess I wasn't a very good entertainer.

We ran out of people for children so roommate's mom cut up toothpicks. Hilarious. Yet creative.

Also, currently making s'mores cookies and preparing to watch the help.
SBXII FTW!

Life sucks sometimes

Here is my evidence for the above title:

First. I realized today that I had the dates wrong for my study abroad program, and therefore booked the wrong flight. YAY.

Second. After freakin out at the beginning of semester because I couldn't find my clicker and having to borrow two different ones, I found mine in one of my storage bins. Like, one of the ones right on the shelves on my desk. Good. Sorry, roommate, for borrowing your clicker unnecessarily....

Third. That speeding ticket I got? $165. Ridiculous. In addition to the costs it will take to change my flights, I will have zero spending money for Vienna.

On the plus side, it is Spring Break tomorrow. So there's that. I will blog about roommate, suitemate, and I's escapades in Jackson and Pass Christian, MS, yo!

Kiss de girl

I

Have

Discovered

That I can

HAVE DIFFERENT FONT SIZES!!!

They come in smallest, small, normal, large, and LARGEST.

I'm really excited about this largest one. I will have to find uses for it. Perhaps if something is exciting enough.

Anyway. That isn't in any way what I was going to talk about. I just saw that at the top and said, Goodness me. I have titillating font options.

So. Kissing. First kisses. Yes. This is what I wanted to talk about. I have an interesting situation in that I don't really have a definitive first kiss.

Was it Wesley??

When I was in fourth grade, I kissed a boy named Wesley on the cheek in a treehouse during a particularly rousing game of spin the pinecone. Now you may say, "That doesn't count cause it was on the cheek!!!" But I say, "I was young. And it was a kissing game. And I was nervous. Those are all symptoms of a first kiss."

Was it Vance??

This was my first lip kiss. However, it occurred on stage during a play, and I wasn't particularly excited about it. It was a very long kiss. So there's that. I was still pretty nervous though. So: on the lips, nervous, lengthy, those are the symptoms here.

Was it Danny??

Danny was this rando alcoholic 18-year-old dude I met in Florida when I was there with my best friend. I thought he was super hot. He wanted to hook up but I was only 15 so I was like, "No! I am a little lamb! Spare me!" So we had a lil' peck. I was excited about this one. He kind of surprised me with it so I didn't really have time to be nervous. Lips, excited, thought he was hot: symptoms for this one.

You tell me, y'all, cause I have no idea. And I feel I should say that there was a gap of....um....5 years between one and two, and then like half a year more for the third one. 

Which one? Which one was my first kiss??

TELL ME.

VAAAAAAAG

Today....today was a day that I will certainly remember forever and ever amen.

8:00 a.m. Mowers. Not blowers this time, mowers. 'Twas not so much the mowing that irritated the roommate and I, but more the yelling that took place every time they stopped to take a break. That's fine. Just scream at each other outside the dorms where people are, you know, sleeping.

11:50 a.m. Boyfriend out of class. Drive to pick him up. Chik-fil-a bag that I brought his lunch in is ripped. I fail to tell him, so when he picks it up it explodes all over my car. The passenger seat of my car is now quite strikingly crumb-y. 

Noon. Leaving for Birmingham with boyfriend as navigator. Must drive two hours to go see lady doctor.

2:15 p.m. Lady doctor appointment. Boyfriend waits outside while I am "examined." Left with a few parting gifts. Turns out I have to dilate my vag holes with these giant acrylic stick things. So excited.

4:30 p.m. FINALLY done with the lady doctor. Back to Auburn....stop at Newk's for dinner. It is delicious.

7:07 p.m. Pulled over by Officer Kenneth D. Blue. Got another speeding ticket. Sorry mom and dad.   Was going 82 in a 65. SO WAS EVERYONE ELSE. Court date set for 4/12/2012. I'm not going. I will plead guilty and send in a check because there's no way I'm going back to the Camp Hill municipal court in Bumfuck, AL. 

7:30 ish p.m. Accident on Magnolia. Must wait forever and a day for the entire damn police office, fire station, and hospital to arrive at the scene before we can finally turn around and go the long way to the Quad parking deck. 

8:00 p.m. Boyfriend and I watching Boy Meets World. Want apple sauce and string cheese. Go to get them from fridge. This is what I find:

Apparently my fridge is too cold. Had to rip out two apple sauces because I could not pull the package off the wall due to the fact that it was frozen onto it. Also, most of boyfriend's applesauce was frozen.

Great Scott. I am so glad this day is over. Mostly.

Morning poops and plane death

Today it happened. It was 9:45. I had five minutes until I had to leave for my history class. And I felt the urge. Yep, I definitely had to poop.

Don't you hate morning poops?? Because it always hits you just before you have to leave. And maybe you'll have enough time. It could be one of those "Swoosh! I'm out! Go on to class, now!" poops, but it could also be one of those "URGHHHHHHHHHH" poops. What a dilemma. How do you know which one it's going to be? Should you take the risk of pooping or wait until after class?

I chose to wait today so that I would have time to eat my banana nut creme bread, which is not quite as delicious as it sounds. But I am out of milk and did not have time for oatmeal, so mediocre banana-flavored nutty bread it was.

While we're still on the subject of poop (here my thought process is nuts--fiber--still thinking about poop) I am practically shitting my pants about studying abroad this summer. My flights are finalized and I'm pretty much done with my application and now I just have all this preliminary stuff to read. I am again exhibiting my profound overreaction skills with inner thoughts such as these:

What if I get deathly ill on the plane?? I have 9 HOURS until we land and I will be dying the whole time.  Dying of death. Nobody will be able to help me. What if they arrest me at the airport because my tongue ring sets off the sensor and they don't believe me that it's just a titanium bar (even though, naturally, I could take it out) and I spend months as a prisoner in a Viennese facility and my phone doesn't have service so I can't call anyone and no one speaks English and they forget to feed me my daily gruel and I STARVE TO DEATH???

Please note that both of these scenarios end in death.

It is much more likely that I will not die on the plane, will have a wonderful time studying in Vienna (which I will blog about SO MUCH), and will return safely home sans additions to my criminal record based on incidents caused by the metal in my tongue.

Anyone else studying abroad? Where? Are you as stupid nervous as I am?

Here is a picture of the plane I am afraid I will die on:

Class lessons

If you are soon to be in college (or even if you are in college), I have compiled some things that you should NOT do in your classes because it pisses people off.

1. Don't ask questions.
When there are ten minutes left in class and the professor says, "Well, that's all I have. Anybody have any questions?" the answer is always no. No, you do not have any questions, because now you have ten extra minutes. You don't have to run across campus to your next class! You can leisurely walk there! Or if you're starving, you can grab a quick snack. If you do legitimately have a question, avoid angry stares and exasperated sighs from your frustrated peers by asking the professor after he lets everybody else go. We would all be thankful for that.

2. Don't be an asshole.
No one likes a pretentious jerk. Are you in a music class and you think you know everything because you've played piano your whole life? A: You don't know everything, and B: If you do, keep it to yourself. No one is impressed if you know what key that Mozart piece is in. Aside from maybe your piano teacher. Who probably isn't in class with you.

3. Don't randomly change seats.
Not having assigned seats doesn't mean that everyone sits in a different place every day. This is not musical chairs. You usually pick where you're going to sit for the whole semester on the first day. If you have some friends in one of your classes and like to sit with them, it is quite annoying to come in and see that some of those seats are taken by randos and poor Mary has to sit on the other side of the room. Sit in the seat you usually sit in, dammit, and Mary will be happy and so will everyone else.

4. Fulfill stereotypes.
There's a reason that kids who don't give a shit usually sit in the back. Because for the people who are trying to stay engaged and sitting closer to the front, if someone who isn't paying attention is sitting in front of them, it's super distracting. For example, in my stats class last semester, I remember learning a lot about one of my fellow students through her Internet surfing because the brightness of her laptop screen was directly in my line of vision. She likes to buy her clothes at Urban Outfitters. She facebook stalks people. Which I guess everyone does, but it's creepy to actually watch someone do it....and she's in a sorority (based on her background photo and the weird hand signs all the girls were doing. Or maybe she's in a gang). I do not, however, remember learning a lot in class that day.

Perhaps I'll make a list of "Do's" too...although those aren't nearly as fun to rant about...

Increase your self-esteem

I have decided to share with you some helpful tips that I have come up with to combat self-esteem issues. Now, I know I am a very loud, outgoing, and seemingly confident person, but everybody is self conscious about something on their bodies. Finish this sentence: I don't like my                    . Now read on and learn to love yourself!!

I don't like my weird red bumpy arms. 

I have this stupid skin thing called Keratosis on my arms. I hate it. It's nasty looking. But there's not really much I can do, aside from use a lotion that smells funny. So I accept it, because unless I want to sand my arms to the point where you can't see the little bumpies (in which case I would most likely be bleeding profusely), I'ma have to live with it.

I don't like my 5-o-clock-shadow armpits.

Seriously, no matter how often I shave, or if I wax or whatever, the skin on my armpits has a 5-o-clock-shadow. I don't know the name for this, so we'll just call it "something-that's-supposed-to-be-on-a-man's-face-is-on-my-pits." "-iosis." As far as I can tell, I can't really do much about this either. I comfort myself in the fact that I would probably look a lot weirder if I didn't have armpits at all. So I'll stick with my shadowy pits. 

I don't like my gigantic hips.

They're huge. It's abnormal. Like, I have the tiniest waist ever and then it's like, BAM!! Hips!! And there's not much I can do about this either. Although there is inevitably some fat there, I mostly just have wide-set hip bones. But, guess what? Due to my wide birthing hips, my kids are just going to fall out. No pain, no gain? I think not. I will gain a child sans pain.

So! Remember that sentence you finished at the beginning? Take some inspiration from my solutions, and tell me your own solutions to accepting the things you're self-conscious about. NO JUDGING ALLOWED! Go on, comment. Do it.