Part-time Hostess, part-time plumber

Last May, I applied for and obtained a job as a part-time hostess. My job description is pretty basic. I greet the customers, I seat the customers, I wish the customers good day when they leave. There are some side work things, like wiping down menus and taking out trash and keeping the bathrooms stocked.

But what hostesses don't tell you is that they also usually get stuck on toilet duty. That is, unclogging and generally cleaning up toilet-related messes.

At my place of employment, we have three toilets in the women's bathroom. Let's think of them as children. The first one is well-behaved and has never gotten into trouble in the time I have made its acquaintance. The second one is a little bit of a problem child. It has flushing issues in general, so if there's even a little bit of a backup, it gets really nervous and needs the warm suctioned embrace of a plunger to return it to its normal state. The third one, however, is literally the worst rebel toilet child in the history of plumbage. Nearly every time I work, it is either clogged or overflowing, and usually it's both.

This isn't always the toilet's fault though. It's half toilet issues, half user error. And although I have become pretty handy with a plunger, a squeegee, and a mop, I wanted to share this message with the world. Are you ready? Here it is:

YOU CAN FLUSH MORE THAN ONCE.

If there is ever a point during your bathroom visit where you think, "Wow, that sure is a lot of toilet paper that I've used," that is the time to employ your first flush. Or, if you have emitted a large amount of waste such that even without any toilet paper, the bowl is looking pretty packed, flush away my children. This is called a courtesy flush. You should use it frequently and without hesitation to save your poor hostess from plunging a toilet FOUR TIMES and overflowing it FOUR TIMES in one shift because you can't take the time to reach back and push the damn lever. 

Yes, I am pretty professional at squeegeeing a whole lot of water into a tiny little drain, and yes, I can usually unclog a toilet with one mere round of plunging, but just because I possess these talents does not mean I enjoy them. 

Flush. Just, flush. 

Honest Hostess Part Deux: Honest Responses 10 Popular Customer Questions

Are you open?

No. I snuck in and I'm answering the restaurant's phone for fun.

How long will the wait for four be at six p.m.?

Hang on, let me grab my crystal ball I DON'T KNOW GO AWAY.

Is it okay if we bump up our reservation from ten to 14 people?

It is not okay. I will probably have to move you to a different table, which means you'll have to wait, which means you'll be mad at me. Also, that means two servers will have to split the table which means they make less money which means they will also be mad at me. Leave. Now.

How much longer is the wait for *insert name here*?

Well, sir, I told you it was going to be a 45-minute wait ten minutes ago. I wan't kidding. If you come back up here again in another ten minutes I will slap you.

Where's the bathroom?

It is located under the large sign that reads "bathroom" right behind you. No more stupid questions, please.

Did a couple of guys/girls come in here asking for a table?

Yes. Quite a few, actually. In fact, every single person that is currently seated has come in here and asked for a table. Could you be more specific, please? Actually, no, don't bother. I won't remember them anyways, because as you can see, there is a cornucopia of people here and I talked to every single one of them when they came in. Look for them yourself. Go on now.

*Tells large party they can split up to be seated quicker* Can you seat us near each other?

Just because you asked, I am going to do everything in my power to seat you across the restaurant from each other. The odds were pretty low anyway that two tables right next to each other would open up simultaneously, but now this is a matter of vengeance.

Where is the bar?

I bet you can find it. Just look for the large wooden slab of counter with a gigantic wall of alcohol behind it. I believe in you.

Can I make a reservation for *whatever time is an hour from now*?

Nope. Try planning ahead next time.

Did you know you're out of paper towels in the bathroom?

Thanks for telling me. Now I have to walk all the way across the restaurant to the storage closet to get more and then fight with the damn dispenser to get the roll in there. AND WHO WILL GREET THE PEOPLE WHILE I'M GONE???

BONUS QUESTION:

Can we have a booth?

You will sit at the table I take you to and you'll like it.