Are you open?
No. I snuck in and I'm answering the restaurant's phone for fun.
How long will the wait for four be at six p.m.?
Hang on, let me grab my crystal ball I DON'T KNOW GO AWAY.
Is it okay if we bump up our reservation from ten to 14 people?
It is not okay. I will probably have to move you to a different table, which means you'll have to wait, which means you'll be mad at me. Also, that means two servers will have to split the table which means they make less money which means they will also be mad at me. Leave. Now.
How much longer is the wait for *insert name here*?
Well, sir, I told you it was going to be a 45-minute wait ten minutes ago. I wan't kidding. If you come back up here again in another ten minutes I will slap you.
Where's the bathroom?
It is located under the large sign that reads "bathroom" right behind you. No more stupid questions, please.
Did a couple of guys/girls come in here asking for a table?
Yes. Quite a few, actually. In fact, every single person that is currently seated has come in here and asked for a table. Could you be more specific, please? Actually, no, don't bother. I won't remember them anyways, because as you can see, there is a cornucopia of people here and I talked to every single one of them when they came in. Look for them yourself. Go on now.
*Tells large party they can split up to be seated quicker* Can you seat us near each other?
Just because you asked, I am going to do everything in my power to seat you across the restaurant from each other. The odds were pretty low anyway that two tables right next to each other would open up simultaneously, but now this is a matter of vengeance.
Where is the bar?
I bet you can find it. Just look for the large wooden slab of counter with a gigantic wall of alcohol behind it. I believe in you.
Can I make a reservation for *whatever time is an hour from now*?
Nope. Try planning ahead next time.
Did you know you're out of paper towels in the bathroom?
Thanks for telling me. Now I have to walk all the way across the restaurant to the storage closet to get more and then fight with the damn dispenser to get the roll in there. AND WHO WILL GREET THE PEOPLE WHILE I'M GONE???
BONUS QUESTION:
Can we have a booth?
You will sit at the table I take you to and you'll like it.
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