The panic attack charlie horse puke fiasco

The Paleo experiment has ended, and boyfriend looks fabulous. I look about the same. Ah, to be a woman. Here are some things I learned about myself whilst on this food journey:

1. If your digestive system is already a little bit funky, a high-fiber diet is not your friend. It just really is not. Them veggies and nuts will get ya.

2. No matter how well you eat and how much you exercise, you will still feel crappy if you don't sleep enough.

3. Eating things with sugar in them after detoxing your body from all that badness results in a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Allow me to elaborate.

So yesterday was kind of a rough day at work. It was very busy and I was very sweaty and my feet felt like they were going to fall off. And I texted boyfriend and told him we should grab a drink after work. I also had eaten some very non-Paleo things that day. Then I got a vodka gimlet and a random dude bought me some fireball. Both sugary drinks.

Now, when you combine the sugary food and the sugary drinks, my blood sugar level spiked pretty hardcore. And when you have that much sugar after not having it in a while, it makes you pretty sick when it all comes crashing back down (I should also mention here that my blood sugar is pretty wacko anyway and I get hypoglycemic very easily).

So I woke up with this horrible combination of mild hangover, hypoglycemia, and I guess some weird kind of shock to my system from the sugar ingestion. And I think that is what it feels like to die.

Everything was more or less okay except for my stomach. When my blood sugar drops, I usually feel super nauseated, and I'm sure the alcohol didn't help. Here is where I tell you about a ridiculous phobia that I have. I do not know what it is called, so I call it vomi-phobia: the irrational fear of vomiting or being around vomit or just anything having to do with vomit.

And I felt verrrrry sick, so my phobia kicked in, which made me have a panic attack. Fabulous. So I watched some YouTube videos and sipped some water and overall tried to calm the hell down. This was all happening at about 6:30 this morning, by the way. 

I also attempted to eat some bread to settle my stomach, but only got about a quarter of the way through a piece.

After a while of watching videos, I started to feel hungry. Hooray! I thought, That usually means that the nausea is going away and that I should try and eat something again! Then I went to sit up to get out of bed and either I misread my tummy's signals or I don't remember the pre-vomit feeling anymore.

Regardless, it was happening. MY WORST FEAR. And as I was kneeling down on the little rug in front of my toilet like good ole Gustavo Fring and telling myself that it was going to be okay, I got a nice little surprise from my calves. It was a charlie horse. Oh happy day. So I'm simultaneously freaking out because of my dumb fear, dry heaving, and kicking around my right leg like a donkey, half-standing up, to take care of the stupid cramp.

It was basically just a really fun time.

It took me seven hours to finish that piece of bread. Seven. 

My calf is really sore.

And my throat feels like someone threw acid into it. I guess that's sort of kind of what happened. If by "someone" you mean "belly."

But my stomach has ceased to reject things, so that's nice.