Just Call Me Lemony Snicket

Unbelievable. Insane. Ridiculous. Absolutely 100 percent STUPID. These are all things I would use to describe the series of unfortunate events that has occurred in my life over the past few weeks.

Let’s review.

3 weeks ago: Bitten by a brown recluse spider. Ankle swells to twice its normal size. Takes a week to return to normal.

2 weekends ago: Robbed at gunpoint Saturday. In addition, kitten pees on bed when I get home because I had moved his litter box too quickly. Wash bedding Sunday. Email professors and receive extensions on papers. Do nothing for several days. Get behind in all classes. Skip class Tuesday because kitten again pees and poops on clothes and cannot deal with life. Soak clothes overnight in enzyme solution and water and then launder on Wednesday.

Thursday, September 25: Birthday. Universe grants me a brief grace period. Eat tacos. Drink margaritas. Play cards against humanity. Generally have an excellent time.

Four days ago: Receive four more spider bites while studying outdoors at coffee shop. One swells to the size of a doughnut. Not a doughnut hole, the actual whole doughnut. Spend night icing thighs and fighting urge to itch.

Today, 8:30: Wake up late. Eat cereal bar in car.

Today, 9:15: Park in city parking garage. Practicum interview at 9:30. Interviewer is amazing and we spend three hours talking about random shit. She offers me a practicum position (yay!). Forget about therapy appointment at noon. Therapist says she will have to charge me. Also, it is 45 degrees and gusting wind and I am in a skirt.

Today, 12:30: Leave interview to get lunch before my 1:30 meeting. Tell parking garage attendant that my meeting went longer than expected and I only brought enough cash for one hour. Attendant will not let me leave garage. Tells me I must either find an ATM or call someone to bring me money. First incidence of public crying. Find pizza restaurant and ask tearfully for ten dollars. Angel man gives me ten dollars. Pay for parking. Forget receipt. Attendant brings me receipt and opens gate, tells me to have a nice day. Do not look her in the eyes. I am free.

Today, 1:15: Barely make it to meeting. No time to eat lunch. Have not eaten in five hours. Cereal bar was digested at appx. 9:30. Meeting lasts one hour. Cancel second practicum interview.

Today, 2:45: Arrive home. Eat chicken and rice. Put on sweatpants. Watch Netflix. Planning on napping. Cat is acting funny. Smell poop. Go to check litterbox, notice the closet door is shut. How long has it been shut? Long enough for cat to pee thrice and poop once on comforter, which soaked through quilt, flat sheet, and fitted sheet. Thank goodness for my waterproof bed pad. Make mental note to self to close bedroom door when I am not home.

Today, 4:15: At Laundromat to once again wash cat waste out of my bedding. Ask attendant if she has change for a 20 because machine does not accept $20 bills. While she looks for change, the front door blows open due to horrific wind and I go to close it. Somehow, wind blows large clock off wall. Clock falls and hits me on top of the head. Second incidence of public crying. Attendant asks if I need medical assistance. I tell her I’ve just had a rough day.

The universe is testing me. And I am failing.