The Single Life

Everyone knows by now that I'm a single lady. To quote one of my all time faves, She's the Man: "It was just, like, a big, huge, dumping."

It's been a shitty few months and I don't want to be a stupid sad cry baby anymore because I'm too awesome for that. To quote another all time fave, How I Met Your Mother: "When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead." 

To make up for the fact that I am in a program that is 95 percent women, I have taken the plunge into Tinder.

Met a super hot Spanish photographer. Met a really cool, funny dude named Matt (really? come on). Met a guy who "just wants to cuddle." 

In the approximately 48 hours that I have been on Tinder, I have compiled a list of rules that I feel all you lovely dudes on Tinder should abide by. Here they are.

1. No one gives a shit about your truck/ATV/motorcycle. And if one or more of your pictures isn't actually you but is instead some kind of motorized vehicle, I'm just sad for you. 

2. No one gives a shit about the giant fish you caught or that one time you held a *insert name of snake here*. These are things I would've expected to see back in Alabama. Also, Britney looked better with a snake than you do so don't even try because you can never reach her level of badassery. 

3. Maybe this is just me, but if the first thing in your bio says "God first," or "Jesus saves," I am already beyond over you.

4. Consider having at least one picture of you by yourself. I'm not a gambler. I will not guess which one you are in a group photo and hope for the best.

5. Pictures with half-naked girls? Really? Wow, we're all really impressed by your ability to get chicks. 

6. Do not call me baby. I do not know you. 

7. Sorry to break your heart, but asking me to hang out at midnight will not work because a) it's rapey and b) I get out of bed and put on real pants/a bra for no man. 

8. Why are you married?

9. WHY ARE YOU MARRIED? 

10. Shirtless gym pictures? I'm over it. 

But if we're being honest, none of these really matter because

11. Get over yourself. You're on Tinder. So if you have a list of deal breakers or "reasons to swipe left" (especially if they're stupid reasons, such as "If you're like cats more than dogs") in your profile, you need to get your big ole egotistical head out of your butt. 

Boys, I promise, if you follow these guidelines chicks will totally dig you. Or at least they won't be disgusted/creeped out by you. One step at a time.