The Tinder Trials

Well. I promised it, and here it is.

For those of you who live with Patrick Star and don't know what Tinder is, it's a dating app. It can be really great. I've talked to some cool guys on there and even met one in person.

But Tinder is like a carton of blueberries. Most of them are just regular ripe old blueberries. But every so often you get one that's mushy and disgusting.

Below are the mushy blueberries of Tinder.

Our first blueberry is Tony, who uses Snapchat the way we all expected Snapchat to be used when it first came out. The devil emoji really drives home just how naughty Tony wants to be.

 

Blueberry number 2 is Francisco, who goes to the church of Love and who also devours lady parts. You do you, Francisco. 

You may recognize our next blueberry from my Facebook post previewing this blog post. His name is Coty. Bad spelling runs in his genes. He is a #senior. And he is majoring in psychologist. 

Blueberry Douglas clearly does not understand Tinder.

Matt is a blueberry that wants to show you amazing pleasures in a 3way to remember. These pleasures include mouths, tongues, water, hand holding, worshipping (Jesus first), vegetables, numbers, Autumn, wind, fire, alcohol, biceps, vegetation, and rainbows. What a fucking night. 

Who wears short shorts? Our next blueberry wears short shorts. And also provocative vests.

This is DeerCat. He is an entrepreneur whose height and handling will give you a religious experience.

This blueberry has it all, from the epic facial hair right down to the star wars crop top.

This blueberry is so naked right now.

Blueberry Bryan is peeing on fences at the ripe old age of 27. He also likes things, so you probably have that in common.

Meet Sallybear, the blueberry with a gun, fauxhawk, fancy tie clip, and a smoldering bear stare.

An honest blueberry is the best kind of blueberry. In addition, any blueberry that uses fun slang words for vagina is a winner in anyone's book.

Our next blueberry wants to give you a Pretty Woman experience, but only if you call him daddy.

This blueberry is a little desperate, but he also loves MILFs, so the decision has gotten infinitely harder.

Last but certainly not least, our final blueberry is Panda, and he is not afraid to wear denim on denim on denim while he makes you dinner or serenades you. And also his name is Panda.

Happy swiping, my brothers and sister in Tinder!