Shit my family says

My family is a stone cold pack o' weirdos, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I have an archive of hilarious things my family has said, because it happens fairly regularly. Here are some of them for your enjoyment pleasure.

The That's What She/He Saids

The Situation: Brother and I are heating up leftover BBQ pork and homemade biscuits for dinner.
Brother: "Do you want the meat on your biscuit or next to your biscuit?"

The Situation: Brother tells me of the time he tried some of his roommate's whiskey.
Brother: "He took it out, and I had a sip. Then he left, and I could still taste it 30 minutes later."

The Situation: Mom, brother, and I are watching HGTV (typical) and someone spilled paint on a hardwood floor.
Me: "How would you clean that up?"
Brother: "It's not that hard when it's wet; you just have to wipe it up before it dries."

The Situation: Brother and I were discussing some type of food.
Brother: "I like the really long ones...the thick ones."

Brother has a special talent for saying these types of things and then never noticing how "TWSS" they are. I have developed the "TWSS Stare," which consists of me looking at him with my eyebrows raised until he replays what he said enough times in his head to understand just how dirty it sounds.

The Ridiculousness

The situation: The family is searching for parking in downtown St. Augustine. Dad circles around the block a few times before casually parking next to a curb where there is clearly no type of parking space whatsoever.
Me: "Is this legal?"
Dad: "You have to be flexible in your interpretation of legal parking or you never get any."

The situation: Dad is discussing his day at work over dinner. He tells us about how he accurately guessed the weight of every baby he delivered that day.
Dad: "I am the BEST fucking estimator of fetal weight."

The situation: Mom and I are discussing stomach issues after I had the poops for a day. Mom sympathizes and says that everyone has been there.
Mom: "Like when you've been farting and you get to that last fart and you're like...oh, that's not air."

The Truly Unbelievables

The situation: I had called dad and left a voicemail. As I am getting on the bus to go to campus, he calls back. When I pick up, the man is breathing like he had just run a marathon.
Dad: "I'm sorry I couldn't answer! I was holding a placenta."

The situation: I have called mom to ask her about heating up something in a tupperware without melting the plastic. Mom tells me that I can heat it up for short periods of time and it will be fine. I say thank you and prepare to hang up.
Mom: "Oh! By the way, you're dad got in a car accident. He's fine. I was going to text you, but I've been taking pictures of bees."

And The Sweet One

The situation: I called brother to discuss some drama that was happening in my life. I was pretty upset and down about it. I told him that it felt like this year was just out to get me because it's been pretty rough. And that little philosophical mofo busts this out.
Brother: "Well, it's like Bob Ross says: 'You gotta have dark to have light. It's like in life: you gotta have a little sadness once in a while so you know when the good times come.'"

I'm unbelievably lucky to have such a bitchin' family. I know I can tell them anything (seriously...nothing is too far), and that they will always be there for me 24/7. Mostly, though, I'm glad I have a place where I can be as weird as I want, and not only will they not judge me for it, they will be right there with me. Like my dad said:

"I'm so grateful for you and Michael. You guys are nuts. It's great. What would I do with normal children?"

Well, life would certainly be a little more boring, wouldn't it?