Scenario 1: You first feel this probably after you wake up one morning. You're washing your face, and then you notice that something isn't right. It kind of feels like there's a little tightness—maybe a dull pain. And you think, "Dammit! No! It can't be!" But after feeling around, you confirm that it, in fact, is.
What is this feeling??: You have a pimple. Potentially on your chin. Potentially in the same freaking spot you've gotten a pimple your entire life since puberty. Maybe there's even a scar there. But that's OK, because at least you don't have to worry about picking at it! It's already scarred! Awesome!
Scenario 2: Again, this is probably after you wake up in the morning. Or maybe even if you wake up in the middle of the night, as I so often do. Your brain says, "Hello, you are awake now, open your eyes." And you do, but it seems like more of a struggle that usual. It feels like after you fell asleep, somebody came and dabbed your eyes with jello and then it melted and hardened.
What is this feeling??: You have eye boogers. You should probably rub them. Or maybe someone really did come and dab jello on your face. In which case I would suggest an alarm system.
Scenario 3: You have to pee. Or poop. Or...sit on a toilet for whatever reason. Maybe you just enjoy toilet seats. That's cool. But when you go to sit down, you get to a certain point and then find that you can't control your muscles past that. You have two choices: fall the rest of the way to the toilet seat, or hold it.
What is this feeling??: You have pulled your ass muscles. You probably ran too much. Or did too many squats. Hooray fitness! But hopefully the results you are seeing makes it worth the difficulty in the bathroom.
Scenario 4: You feel as if someone lit a match in your cleavage. It's like sunburn, but worse. You go to touch it and quickly find that this was a terrible idea, for you have only stoked the fire.
What is this feeling??: You had an incredibly persistent itch and forgot that you have long fingernails now because you have vowed to stop biting them so you don't look so damn nubby. So you kept scratching at that stupid little itch and now you've removed a few layers of skin. It's going to hurt for a couple of days. I would suggest lotion and less-hot showers. And also an avoidance of push-up bras.
Scenario 5: You are ENRAGED. The fire is not in your cleavage, but in your soul. You want to punch people in the face. No, you want to punch BABIES in the face. All babies ever in all places. This is the extent of your anger.
What is this feeling??: Well, it could really be a plethora of things. Perhaps you're watching "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" and the contestant spells the word vowel "voul." Perhaps your football team just lost to fucking VANDERBILT. Maybe you have a class with Poop (in which case, I am so terribly sorry). Or maybe your calculus teacher decided to give you an extension on the homework that you stayed up until 6 a.m. to finish. But you're definitely pissed.
Please do not actually punch babies.
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