The sneeze heard 'round the world

There is a girl. She is in my abnormal psychology class. I'm relatively sure she lives in boyfriend's apartment complex. She is loud and obnoxious and talks way too much in class. I do not know her name. But if I had to make up a name to fit her personality, I would pick Poop. 

I can tell you, friends, exactly when I noticed Poop's obnoxiousness. One day in class, we were talking about how accurate IQ tests were. And our professor asks, "Do IQ tests really measure intelligence?" Poop says, "No." Professor asks why. And Poop says, "Well, you can be in college and be dumb as rocks. Like athletes. They're dumb." 

Athletes. 

They're dumb.

Good point there, Poop. Truly, well thought out and well executed.

Another day in class, we were discussing panic attacks. Our professor had also brought up test anxiety earlier in the class to show the difference between fear and anxiety. And Poop raises her hand and tells this delectable story:

"Can test anxiety cause a panic attack? (professor tried to stop her here by telling her yes, but Poop would not have it.) Because my cousin had a panic attack during finals last year. Like, we were outside waiting to go in for the test and she started like hyperventilating. I thought it was funny."

And our professor, god bless her soul, gets this look on her face and says, "Yeah...it's not really that funny."

Seriously. Why is this girl a psychology major?? Please, PLEASE do not become a counselor, Poop. 

Based on these two events, my friends/classmates and I have begun taking a tally of how many times she talks during class. She's averaging about 25 times per class period, which is FIFTY MINUTES. Now, I know I'm a liberal arts major, but it's pretty clear that that is actually twice a minute that Poop feels she must make a comment. 

Our professor has clearly begun to detest her as well. Whenever Poop raises her hand, she tries pretty hard to ignore her. But it's difficult, because Poop tends to just speak up anyway. My favorite thing was when she said something and the class audibly groaned. Hilarious.

But here was the tipping point. This earned her five tallies on our "Number of times Poop speaks in class tally." She sneezed.

Now, when I say she sneezed, I don't mean a normal "Aa-choo" sneeze. This sneeze was fucking nuclear. It was terrifying. I don't know that I can accurately describe it through typing, but it was something like, "Huh-GAHHHH."

And we LOST. IT. My row of friends and I legitimately laughed for 10 minutes straight. Whenever we would finally get it together, one of us would re-imagine it in our heads and we'd start all over again.

At least Poop gave us some entertainment to break the monotony of pure frustration she leaves in her path.