President Tsaltas

Oh hello.

If you have a Facebook—which come on, you do—you've likely been BOMARDED over the past month or more with obnoxious political posts. Now, I am all for voting, and I strongly believe everyone should do it, because it's your freaking right and stuff. But people have gotten a little too serious about this election for my taste. So I am here to lighten things up.

This is what my platform would look like if I were running for president. You can see that I am focusing on the important stuff here.

ETIQUETTE: 

Bad table manners are hereby made illegal. I will create new jobs by stationing Cotillion-trained uniformed officers in every eating establishment to make sure you:

• Chew with your mouth closed.
• Keep your elbows off the table.
• Don't scrape your silverware against your teeth. (This is bad for your enamel and it makes a horrible screeching sound. Use your lips, please.)

DRESS:

Nike Clause: Exercise clothes are henceforth unacceptable attire in public unless you are actually exercising. In which case, good for you! I salute your cardiac health! Forbidden clothing includes:

• Nike shorts (these are completely forbidden from October to March, even if you are exercising).
• Oversized t-shirts and/or t-shirts with cutouts. 
• Exercise shoes (converse, VANS, and other such sneakers are exempt).

Pants Clause: Leggings are no longer tolerated as an acceptable alternative to pants. If you are wearing leggings, you must be wearing one of the following:

• A dress.
• A tunic top.

Furthermore, this dress or tunic top must completely cover you bottom. Furtherfurthermore, there will be a weight limit placed on leggings. This weight limit will extend to ALL OTHER TIGHT CLOTHING. Current officers will be trained to spot and arrest offenders of these clauses.

OBNOXIOUS NOISE:

I will implement nation-wide "quiet hours" which all citizens must adhere to out of courtesy for their fellow man. 

Night clause: It is considered rude to be making noise after 11 p.m. or 10 p.m. if you live in an area heavily populated by families. Violations of the noise policy include, but are not limited to:

• Screaming.
• Loud talking.
• Loud giggling/snickering/laughing/chortling.
• TV volume loud enough to hear outside the room of the actual television set.
• Music loud enough to hear outside the room/car in which it is playing.
• Honking car horns.
• Beating tribal drums in the street.

Day clause: It is considered rude to be making noise before 9 a.m. REGARDLESS OF YOUR RESIDENTIAL AREA. Violations of the noise policy include the above, with the following additions:

• Leaf blowing
• Construction work
• Yard work

Again, officers will be stationed in all residential areas to enforce these policies. In addition, Auburn University maintenance workers will receive a stern talking to before these policies are enforced, just to make sure they REALLY get it this time.

DUMB-DUMB RULE:

If you ask a stupid question (yes they do exist, and they are defined as: A question which has an answer that should be common sense) or make a stupid comment, you will be slapped. All American citizens may enforce this rule at their discretion.

Thank you for your support of my candidacy. If you feel anything has been left out, please contact my people. You can do this by leaving a comment here or on my Facebook page. 

VOTE FOR KELLY!