Bruises on asses

Hello my lovely blog readers.

Let me tell you some things about my ass. I have two ass stories for you today.

The time I went cliff jumping and did it wrong

This story begins with me thinking that I was more of a daredevil than I actually was and telling my friend Laex (actual name) that I had always wanted to go cliff diving. So we decide to hang out one day and when I ask what we're doing he says, "I'll come pick you up. Wear a bathing suit."

So we get to the cliffs and they're really frigging high. And the river looked real mean. And I was just being a big ole pussy about it. Hey, 30 feet is a long way.

And finally Laex promises to buy me a smoothie if I jump, and so I did.

But see, no one told me—as a virgin cliff jumper—that I needed to be very sure that I did a pencil dive into the river. So I sort of flailed about in the air for 30 feet and hit the water...in a seated position.

You know that feeling when you fall on your tailbone and it knocks the breath right out of you?

Now, imagine falling on it from a cliff and having to tread water after. Not the best feeling I've ever had.

So then we're climbing back up to the top after Laex jumps and he's behind me and he just goes, "Holy shit, Kelly, your ass is black."

And indeed it was. The whole left cheek and top of my thigh. MONSTER bruise, dude. And it hurt like hell.

And the smoothie wasn't even that good.

The time I got steroids shot into my ass

So I was real sick last week. My nasal membranes were swollen the size of Alaska. Which, in case you were unaware, is the biggest state. I could not breathe. I woke up every morning shocked to be alive because I figured I would have suffocated during the night.

I went to the doctor for to get better. And she said I should get a steroid shot cause they work quickly. And I was down for whatever would get me out of that no breathing hell as fast as possible.

So some lady came in and shoved a needle in my left butt cheek (Poor lefty!! He gets all the injuries) and that actually didn't hurt. But then the serum went in and it burrrrned oh my STARS it burned. It was like there was a little gremlin man inside my butt cheek poking me with lit matches. 

And then I almost passed out cause I hadn't had enough to eat and so they made me lie down in the scary IV room and gave me a juicebox.

And a week later I still have a bruise. See? 

Calm down, it's on the very top of my butt. See, that's the bottom of my shirt. Not inappropriate.

I do feel better though. So there's that.

Of course, they also prescribed me freaking 40 MILLIGRAMS of steroids a day to take for a week after the shot. So.....don't be surprised if I grow chest hair and a penis.