Apps that ruined my life

I'm not much of an app junkie really. I've mostly stuck to Words With Friends and some other super lame word games because I'm mildy obsessed with words...but there are a few apps that I'd heard so many things about that I decided to get them (only if they're free!) and madness ensued. 

It's like an invasion. An app invasion. Of my iPhone and my WHOLE LIFE. Literally, these apps have all had me sitting in class thinking about when I could play them next. Pathetic, really, what I let technology do to me. 

So here letters that I have addressed to these apps letting them know about the damage they have caused:

DEAR CANDY CRUSH: 

I know you were free, but I have spent three dollars unlocking extra levels, you little scammy bitch. Also, I feel a lot of anger toward you because you make me all excited when you tell me that I've unlocked a new charm that I can use to crush more candy, buuuuut I have to pay for it. Bull SHIT, Candy Crush, that is NOT cool. Also, only five lives at a time? Really? And it takes half an hour to get a new life? I hate you. I hate you, I hate you. 

But I looove you.

I love the feeling of getting a candy bomb, and then getting a striped candy, and then combining them to create a Candy Crush INFERNO OF CRUSHING. I love the sound the jelly makes when it pops. I love beating a level, even if it's taken me freaking two weeks to do it. 

I love you. But I hate you. Hate hate hate. Double hate. 

Also, the chocolate. I hate the chocolate. It is not fair that the chocolate eats all the candy and takes up the entire board.

Chocolate hate. 

DEAR FLOW:

Even though your name reminds me of a menstrual cycle, you're much more fun than a shedding uterus. Trust me. Connecting colored dots makes me SO FREAKING HAPPY. What am I two? I don't even care.

But you need to stop being so damn tricky with your 9x9 boards that are already hard enough and putting two dots right next to each other but making me have to connect them by going halfway around the world and winding back through swamps and marshes.

That's not cool.

DEAR MEGA JUMP:

I like you a lot better than Doodle Jump, because I suck at Doodle Jump but I do not suck at you. Also, your character is a billion times cuter because he makes adorable noises when he jumps really high. IT'S SO EXCITING. 

I don't like those spiky boxes that make me lose all my coins, though. That's just rude. RUDE. And please make sure I can actually jump the gaps between coins so I don't die unnecessarily right when I was about to get to the point where I was going to beat the level. I don't like it. No I don't.

DEAR FACEBOOK AND TWITTER:

STOP MAKING ME USE UP ALL MY DATA MINUTES EVERY MONTH. YOU ARE STARING ME IN THE FACE EVERY TIME I TURN MY PHONE ON AND I JUST WANT TO PUSH YOUR BUTTON AND DO EXCITING THINGS IN YOU.

Sorry it got a little awkward there at the end....

No I'm not. I'm not at all. I'm not sorry. 

 

Apartment 3707

Well hello.

I have GOT to start posting more often or else people are going to lose interest. 

Maybe they already have.

OH GOD what have I done???

Well, if you still love me, I finally finally have a blog post for you. And I am going to go back to posting once a week. There, I said it in writing, so hold me accountable.

Also, I would like to stop eating shitty food. HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE FOR BOTH. I DON'T WANNA BE FAAAAAT.

Good. Moving on.

Today I would like to tell you about a child. He is three or four years old, Indian, and lives in apartment 3707, right next door to my lovely boyfriend.

Although young, this kiddo has a full-time job. I'm totally serious. From about 7:30 a.m. to 9 p.m. every day. I know, it sounds like tough hours, but he handles it pretty well. He never seems to get tired. Nope. 

How do I know this you ask?

Because I freaking HEAR IT. All this kid does is scream, all day, every day. I wish I were exaggerating. But seriously, there are never any actual words in his communication. It's only, "BAGAAAAWAANAAAAAABRRRREEEEHHHHH."

I have never wanted to slap a child in the face before, but for real, he makes me insane.

What I would like to say to the parents:

"Oh, hello, you actually live in an apartment complex. That means living right next to five different people with thin walls. Anything you want to change about your lifestyle?"

"Not to tell you how to raise your kid or anything, but, DISCIPLINE."

What I would like to say to the child:

As John Green once said, "USE YOUR WORDS."

They also spend a good hour every morning from about 8 to 9 pounding around on something. It sounds like they're tenderizing meat, but why would you have to do that every day? They are just so inconsiderate and rude. We have called the complex twice and the cops once but this lil Indian family just KEEPS ON A'GOIN. 

My children will understand inside voices. They just will. Because it is not that freaking difficult to say, "Hey kid shut your face holes."

Or you could just do it like they did in Victorian times and put a bunch of Codeine in their cough syrup.

True story, bro.

I HOPE YOU ARE HAVING A WONDERFUL HUMP DAY. 

Lazy pants. I wear them.

I have something serious to share with you guys.

I have a disorder. It is a disorder of laziness and a lack of motivation to do ANYTHING.

And it's weird, because I have so much energy and I love being with people and talking and having a good time and whatever. But fundamentally, I am like that obese cat that just lies around all day and eats all your food.

Some examples:

Showering. I hate it. Aside from the fact that it gets me clean and I like to smell good more than I like to not smell good, I would never do it. It just takes so much tiiiime. I literally avoid getting ready for bed because I don't want to take the time to freaking clean myself. Which is ironic, because wasting time also takes time. I don't know. I DON'T UNDERSTAND MYSELF.

Peeing. SO MUCH TIME. Like, come on, who wants to walk all the way to the bathroom and have to take off your pants and sit down just to pee. Ridiculous. I do not have time for that madness.

Folding clothes. Let me tell you what happens when my laundry is clean. I put it in my laundry basket and I take it upstairs. And then I look at it for a while and consider not putting it away, but I'm a neat freak and hate mess so I do put it away. But I do it as simply as possible. I tend to take my shirts off so they end up inside out, and so they get washed inside out, and what do I do? I fold them inside out. Who has time to turn that shit around? I just do it when I want to wear it. Which, again, I guess it's the same amount of time spent just at different points...whatever.

Doing homework. I don't. Well, I did in high school. But now that I'm in college and we don't actually have homework, I just don't study. I don't know why I buy the books. I read about two chapters because I'm like, "Hell yeah, new semester, I'ma be on it now!! I will read ALL OF THE CHAPTERS." It has not happened yet, and I highly doubt that it will. But see, it's OK, because I'm that asshole that doesn't study and then gets a 100 on the test. I know. I'm blessed. You can probably thank my dad for that one.

Comics. I don't read them if they have too many words. I mean seriously, how effing lazy is that?? I have the ROFL pics app and I love it, but if a comic has more than six frames or a lot of words, I just bypass it. I NEED MY FUNNY NOW.

Please tell me someone else has this obnoxious disorder. I don't want to be alone in my laziness...