Apps that ruined my life

I'm not much of an app junkie really. I've mostly stuck to Words With Friends and some other super lame word games because I'm mildy obsessed with words...but there are a few apps that I'd heard so many things about that I decided to get them (only if they're free!) and madness ensued. 

It's like an invasion. An app invasion. Of my iPhone and my WHOLE LIFE. Literally, these apps have all had me sitting in class thinking about when I could play them next. Pathetic, really, what I let technology do to me. 

So here letters that I have addressed to these apps letting them know about the damage they have caused:

DEAR CANDY CRUSH: 

I know you were free, but I have spent three dollars unlocking extra levels, you little scammy bitch. Also, I feel a lot of anger toward you because you make me all excited when you tell me that I've unlocked a new charm that I can use to crush more candy, buuuuut I have to pay for it. Bull SHIT, Candy Crush, that is NOT cool. Also, only five lives at a time? Really? And it takes half an hour to get a new life? I hate you. I hate you, I hate you. 

But I looove you.

I love the feeling of getting a candy bomb, and then getting a striped candy, and then combining them to create a Candy Crush INFERNO OF CRUSHING. I love the sound the jelly makes when it pops. I love beating a level, even if it's taken me freaking two weeks to do it. 

I love you. But I hate you. Hate hate hate. Double hate. 

Also, the chocolate. I hate the chocolate. It is not fair that the chocolate eats all the candy and takes up the entire board.

Chocolate hate. 

DEAR FLOW:

Even though your name reminds me of a menstrual cycle, you're much more fun than a shedding uterus. Trust me. Connecting colored dots makes me SO FREAKING HAPPY. What am I two? I don't even care.

But you need to stop being so damn tricky with your 9x9 boards that are already hard enough and putting two dots right next to each other but making me have to connect them by going halfway around the world and winding back through swamps and marshes.

That's not cool.

DEAR MEGA JUMP:

I like you a lot better than Doodle Jump, because I suck at Doodle Jump but I do not suck at you. Also, your character is a billion times cuter because he makes adorable noises when he jumps really high. IT'S SO EXCITING. 

I don't like those spiky boxes that make me lose all my coins, though. That's just rude. RUDE. And please make sure I can actually jump the gaps between coins so I don't die unnecessarily right when I was about to get to the point where I was going to beat the level. I don't like it. No I don't.

DEAR FACEBOOK AND TWITTER:

STOP MAKING ME USE UP ALL MY DATA MINUTES EVERY MONTH. YOU ARE STARING ME IN THE FACE EVERY TIME I TURN MY PHONE ON AND I JUST WANT TO PUSH YOUR BUTTON AND DO EXCITING THINGS IN YOU.

Sorry it got a little awkward there at the end....

No I'm not. I'm not at all. I'm not sorry.