Update...

Well. Sorry I haven't written. I just haven't felt like doing much of anything. But tonight I finally edited the videos that boyfriend and I made the day before and the day after surgery!! Enjoy!

I would like to say here that oxycodone is in fact the main ingredient in Roxicet and that Percocet is the same thing is oxycodone. But for some reason I listed them all separately in this video...

So there is an update on how I am doing! Hope you guys are having a less painful and more fun December than I am!

Surgery...CATS

T-minus 3 days until the Tonsillectomy.

I feel a sense of impending doom.

I DON'T LIKE PAIN.

Must...not...cancel...surgery...

Anyway, I've been thinking about cats.

I love the shit out of my cats (all four of them), but honestly, where do they get their sense of what to do with their lives? 

I have made a sample lesson plan from Cat School. It is called "How to be a successful kitteh."

Lesson 1: The world is your scratching post.

Leather? Perfect. Faces? Even better. Planet earth is an itchy place, kittehs, and it is your personal mission to relieve that itch, no matter where it may be. Dig those claws in!! Dig dig dig!!

**Hands-on activity: Destroy the beautiful red leather sofa**

Lesson 2: It is a good idea to fling cat litter as far as possible when using the restroom.

I know they put it in that little box, but that is just where you poop. Place your poop in the box, then displace the volume that was filled up by removing litter. Kick, kittehs, kick like you mean it! 

**Physical activity: Squats and leg lifts to tone and strengthen hind leg muscle**

Lesson 3: Four a.m. is the perfect time to step on your owner's face.

There has never been a better time, kittehs. The reason they lie still like that for hours is because they forgot how to move. Thank god we're there to help them; they remember how to move when we gingerly place our paws upon their eyelids. 

Lesson 4: Anything can be a toy.

Real cat toys are lame. Truly wonderful cat toys are found in simple human things, such as ornaments, or rubber bands, or jewelry, or pipe cleaners. They won't mind if you borrow them for a while and bat them under the desk where your secret lair of hidden treasures lies. 

**Critical thinking: Choose the best cat toy from the following: Stuffed mouse, scratching post, sock**

Lesson 5: Sleeping is most important.

Sleep anywhere, anytime you can. During the day is best, because you must be awake in the middle of the night to remind the humans how to move. The best sleeping places include the humans' computer chairs, stairs, and the middle of the floor. This is doubly helpful because in addition to getting good rest, you are also increasing the humans' physical agility by making them dodge and step over you. This is their favorite type of exercise.

You must receive a B or better in each lesson to pass cat school and be a successful kitteh!

The Journey of the Tonsils

It is time for another adventure with Kelly. This adventure is called: "Come Along With Me as I Fear Getting My Tonsils Removed and Then When I'm Loopy and in Pain After."

It's a working title.

Six days from now, I am getting a tonsillectomy.

Dun

Dun

Dun

As per usge with anything that's not, like, brushing my teeth, I'm fuh-REAKIN out, man. So, in an attempt to calm myself, I have come up with some possible scenarios regarding my operation:

1. The knife slips from my doctor's hand while I'm asleep and he accidentally cuts a vital artery and I bleed to death.

Now, this isn't likely, but it is possible. And how shitty would that be?? "I'm sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Tsaltas, but it seems we've had a statistical anomaly occur. A rabid baby mouse got into the operating room and bit me in the ass, causing the knife to slip and cut your daughter's throat and now she's dead."

Oops.

2. My scabs fall off (yes, that's a thing, you have scabs on your throat after this madness) and I choke on them and die because no one is home, or someone is home but they don't know the Heimlich maneuver.

Now, this is even less likely because a) My dad totally knows the Heimlich and b) The scabs are supposed to be so small that you don't even notice when they come off. But sometimes they do bleed....

3. I bleed so much when my scabs fall off that I die.

Bleeding is actually the number one complication from this surgery, and there is a 3% chance (don't discount that, I am frequently the 3%) that I will bleed so much that I have to go back to the hospital. But what if I can't get to the hospital and bleed to death in my living room?? OR THEY DON'T HAVE ENOUGH BLOOD FOR A TRANSFUSION AND I DIE BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE ARE AFRAID TO GIVE BLOOD LIKE I AM? 

4. I take too many pain meds and overdose. And die.

Hopefully I will be able to monitor how often I've been taking them, but you never do know how loopy these things will make you...

5. I get in a car accident on the way to the hospital and am afflicted with slight death. 

Although I am afraid of this surgery, I do think a tonsillectomy would be preferable to a car crash.

6. I get delirium from the fever that accompanies this surgery and forget where I am and wander into the street and get hit by a car and receive injuries including dying.

Hey, I don't know how high this fever is gonna get. It could get THAT high. I DON'T KNOW. DON'T JUDGE ME.

7. Everything is fine.

This might seem like the most likely scenario, but you never know. It COULD be the case that I go home and my throat hurts really bad for a couple of days but I don't bleed and don't have a high fever and heal fine.... 

OR A RABID BABY MOUSE COULD BITE MY DOCTOR IN THE ASS. 

From Robin to spiders

Since I cannot possibly blog all of the things, I am going to overview my semester for you. In case you were wondering about my life. Let's be honest, you were. I'm pretty freaking fascinating. Or something.

A. How I Met Your Mother.

Boyfriend and I watch this frequently. Probably more frequently than we should. But I can't HELP it!! I wanna be like Robin! All the boys like her and she's so pretty and funny and she's a FREAKING POP STAR. I WANT TO GO TO THE MALL WITH YOU TODAY, ROBIN.

B. Mental disorders.

Oh yes. Abnormal Psychology. We talked about schizophrenia and depression and Dissociative Identity Disorder and pedophiles and all SORTS of fun things!! It was ballin'. Minus Poop. This is the class that Poop was in. And no one likes Poop. Speaking of, she wasn't in our final today, which means a) she had more than two finals today and had to take it at an alternate time, or b) she was late and didn't get to take it and therefore failed. I'm a terrible person, but I'm hoping for b. 

C. Inflicting pain on people.

I did this in lab once a week for six hours. I pushed a scary looking device in between peoples' knuckles until they told me to stop. But sometimes they DIDN'T. And so my triceps are sexual now because it's really hard to push down with 633 KiloPascals of pressure. I am strong like bull!

D. No sickness!!! Woohoo!!!!

Seriously, every semester since I've been in college, sickness has knocked me on my ass for at least a week. But somehow I evaded sickness's cold and terrible embrace. I HAVE DONE IT! All of my roommates got sick, boyfriend got sick, most of my friends got sick, and I was as well as a thing that is well. BOOSH.

E. Game Show Network.

You guys. It's bad. I feel like I am personal friends with Steve Harvey now because of how often I watch GSN. But it's sooooo gooooood.

F. Asylum. 

Roommates' and I's new addiction. It is so wonderful (and as you know, I love me some Kit hothothothothot). And now I have to watch it alone for a month :((( I'm scared for next week, because I will be loopy on drugs from getting my tonsils out and it will probably really terrify me. It's OK. I'll cuddle with my cats.

G. I ran for two weeks.

I was really proud! And boyfriend and I have decided (again) that we will work out together, so perhaps I can run for real this time!

H. Gunshots in Creekside. 

Last night there were gunshots outside my condo. As far as I know, no one died, but everyone and their moms ran outside and gathered in the street to discuss the happenings. And then we called the cops. I don't think anything actually happened. Damn hooligans shooting off their firearms at 10 o'clock at night.

And finally...

I. There was a spider in my shower last night.

THERE WAS A SPIDER IN MY SHOWER. WHILE I WAS IN THERE. NAKED. WE WERE BOTH NAKED. Don't worry, nothing happened. BUT SERIOUSLY. DA FAQ. I CLEAN THAT SHIT EVERY WEEK. IT IS NOT A SPIDER HOME. IT'S NOT EVEN COLD OUTSIDE!

That is all. Sorry I yelled.

Celebrity Hit List

Hit as in, I'd hit that. Like in a sexual way. Ahem. Good. Here it is:

1. Bradley Cooper.

Oh Bradley. You are SO SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE. Have you seen you?? Like, it's real good. I just want to touch your scruffy mcscruff beard and love your hot bod.

2. Matt Damon.

I have loved you for so long it's insane. You definitely hold the record for longest Hollywood crush. Plus, you're a family man (it's OK, I won't tell your wife and kids, shhhh).

3. Katy Perry.

I mean, really. You are good at singing and playing guitar and writing songs and also our boobs are the same size. Match made in heaven!

4. Ke$ha.

Ooo girl. Girl. You mah girl, girl. Thank you for being that slutty white girl rapper that we never knew we wanted. But now we do. I do. I want you.

5. Will Ferrel.

Dude, for real. Funny always wins. When people ask what traits you're looking for in a partner, people are always like, "Trust!" or "Honesty!" or "Kindness!" Wrong. Hilarity. If you're not funny, I don't want to date you. And you, sir William, you make me giggle so hard. I don't care that you're as old as my dad and have terrifying chest hair. I'm DTF.

6. Neil Patrick Harris.

I know, I know, you're gay. But you're also super hot. And REALLY good at singing. So....you may have me.

7. Dane Cook.

I don't care what anyone says. I think you're hilarious and awesome. And I love you. What? Who said that?

8. Chester Bennington.

Literally, dude, you could just scream for a while and I would be happy. Hothothothothot. And actually, let's throw Adam Levine in there and have an excellent musical experience....if you know what I mean.

9. Dude who plays Kit in American Horror Story Asylum.

What is this man's name? I forget. And I don't feel like googling it. Ok fine, I will. Evan Peters. Happy?  He. Is. So. Attractive. I'm just done. Roommates and I sit rapt with attention whenever he is on screen in Asylum. To much sexy.

Agree? Have someone to add? Tell meh!

Finals and Jesus

Remember when I used to post every day?

I know. I suck. I just stopped thinking of funny shit to post.

I try, I do! Sometimes I write an entire blog and then it's not even that funny and so I delete it. Sometimes I do post it, and then I feel bad about myself because it's not up to par. And both of those are losing situations, so I got into the habit of just not writing unless I have a good idea.

A lot of bloggers do that. They say they'll only post if they have something good to say so that they can always have good material.

I have decided I disagree. Most of the time for me when I'm writing, whether it be funny or not, I have to get through a time of shit writing to get back to the good stuff. And I just have to keep writing regardless.

So today I am just going to share some funny tidbits.

Tidbit #1: I have a final tomorrow at 8 a.m. And I've been studying for it for a couple of days. I went to a friend's house all day yesterday, and even though the majority of our time was actually not spent studying, due to the SEC championship and videos of puppies and Elf, I did make some good progress. I just brought over my binder for abnormal psychology and made color-coded charts and things.

So tonight, I got an email from my cognitive psychology professor. And he said, "Grades will be posted tonight for the semester. Good luck on your final tomorrow!"

And my heart went, "Beat. Beat. Beat, beat, beatbeatbeatbebebebebebefuck," and my stomach went, "I'm going to fall to where your colon should be," and my voice said, "Oh no. Oh no no no no no."

I studied for the wrong final. I STUDIED FOR THE WRONG FINAL. So then I had a mild mental breakdown and simultaneously shed a tear of sadness and laughed at my own stupidity.

I am not prepared.

Tidbit #2: Do you have a twitter? If so, you need to follow these people:

Jesus on twitter

This girl

Seriously. I about peed my pants laughing when my friends found these two Internet gems. We may have spent upwards of 20 minutes looking at their pages.

Ok. Well that's all for now.

Hope you're better prepared for your finals than I am. And if you're not, I hope you're studying for them and not writing a blog like I am.

Good day.