I feel a sense of impending doom.
I DON'T LIKE PAIN.
Must...not...cancel...surgery...
Anyway, I've been thinking about cats.
I love the shit out of my cats (all four of them), but honestly, where do they get their sense of what to do with their lives?
I have made a sample lesson plan from Cat School. It is called "How to be a successful kitteh."
Lesson 1: The world is your scratching post.
Leather? Perfect. Faces? Even better. Planet earth is an itchy place, kittehs, and it is your personal mission to relieve that itch, no matter where it may be. Dig those claws in!! Dig dig dig!!
**Hands-on activity: Destroy the beautiful red leather sofa**
Lesson 2: It is a good idea to fling cat litter as far as possible when using the restroom.
I know they put it in that little box, but that is just where you poop. Place your poop in the box, then displace the volume that was filled up by removing litter. Kick, kittehs, kick like you mean it!
**Physical activity: Squats and leg lifts to tone and strengthen hind leg muscle**
Lesson 3: Four a.m. is the perfect time to step on your owner's face.
There has never been a better time, kittehs. The reason they lie still like that for hours is because they forgot how to move. Thank god we're there to help them; they remember how to move when we gingerly place our paws upon their eyelids.
Lesson 4: Anything can be a toy.
Real cat toys are lame. Truly wonderful cat toys are found in simple human things, such as ornaments, or rubber bands, or jewelry, or pipe cleaners. They won't mind if you borrow them for a while and bat them under the desk where your secret lair of hidden treasures lies.
**Critical thinking: Choose the best cat toy from the following: Stuffed mouse, scratching post, sock**
Lesson 5: Sleeping is most important.
Sleep anywhere, anytime you can. During the day is best, because you must be awake in the middle of the night to remind the humans how to move. The best sleeping places include the humans' computer chairs, stairs, and the middle of the floor. This is doubly helpful because in addition to getting good rest, you are also increasing the humans' physical agility by making them dodge and step over you. This is their favorite type of exercise.
You must receive a B or better in each lesson to pass cat school and be a successful kitteh!
LOVE!! So true too. My roommate in college had a siamese cat and we had to baby sit it when his parents went on vacation. That cat meowed ALL night! So, we made a pack that whoever was home during the day had to make sure the cat was awakened and played with...this helped a little at least!
ReplyDeleteBest cat toy - a tootsie pop of course. Best place to sleep - on top of keyboard of open laptop, you can sleep and send e-mail at the same time, usually 500 or more Ks in the case of Gretta - guess she is assuring owner that she is doing well.
ReplyDeleteT-minus 3 days - KKKKKKK your tonsils are disrupting your life and causing you pain whenever they feel like it. I had mine out on a Thursday, I was on Tylenol only on Friday. I had to drive on Monday cause my kids had to go to school - no worries. You are used to sore throats and it hurts when you eat but it goes away and you won't have those nasty dirty things in your throat anymore. I was SOOOOO scared and I was SOOOOOOO glad when they were gone. It was a great move and I wondered why I waited so long. The hardest part is right now. Line up some nice movies to watch and sleep most of the days right after. The anesthesia makes it easier to sleep, even for a couple of days after, just go with it. No worries KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK?
Love ya,
Aunt Penny
PS we are all backing you up with lots of good vibes and love - you got this and then it's done!!
KKKKKK!! haha thanks Aunt Penny :)) love you!!
ReplyDelete