Good news! (She's DEAAAD! The witch of the West is dead!)

I have good news for you, friends! I had a WONDERFUL weekend in Prague, or Praha as it's called in Czech. I had a few anxious moments, but it was overwhelmingly excellent. By the way, completely off the subject, but in the middle of writing that first sentence a bee flew into my neck quite violently and scared the shit out of me. So now I have abandoned the cool and breezy terrace for my hot room. Hooray.

But besides the aforementioned bee incident, I've had a really good past four days. The train ride over was actually super fun. It was five hours, but I was in a set of four seats that were facing each other, and I sat with buddy, another friend named Davon, and a guy on the trip named David.

And we talked pretty much the whole time about just whatever, and I feel like I made some really great friends over the weekend. I already liked Davon and Brenda, who I had been friends with before this weekend, but I hadn't talked much to David or another one of the guys on the trip, Dylan (the "You seriously got a sorority tattoo??" guy). And I for realz love them. They are just excellent people. When I was with that whole group, I was just constantly laughing. A favorite activity of mine.

David, Brenda, and Dylan

So what did I do in Praha, you ask?

Well, I stayed in a shitty hostel, where this was written on the bunk above me:

and my mattress was a box spring. Not a joke. I had one spring directly under my shoulder and another under my knee. Early arthritis, it's coming.

I also walked more than any human being ever should. We had three-hour tours every day, and then we would walk around until like nine or ten, minus sitting for lunch and dinner.

But aside from that!

I went shopping on Saturday after our morning tour and got everyone presents :) I wish I could tell you what they are!! But it is in fact a secret. But just know, family and boyfriend and BFF, I got some good'ns.

And we toured the palace that morning. Which was stupid beautiful. I kept daydreaming about what it would have been like to live there, way back when when you arrived there wearing a hoop skirt in your horse-drawn carriage. I want it!!

And then, AND THEN, we went to the Sex Machine Museum!! Of which, here are some highlights. Please, don't google these things. Meh, you won't have to. I'll show you pictures : D

-I watched a 1920s porno, in which nobody seemed to really know what they were doing.
-I learned what "sploshing" is.
-I also learned what a doll fetish is...you would think it would be sex with dolls. But no, children. It's where you dress up like a doll in a creepy mask and fake limbs and then do stuff. It doesn't even have to involve sex. The pictures I saw had the doll-people playing chess. Messed up.
-I discovered all sorts of fun genital piercings.
-I saw a pickle dick (dildo). That was probs my favorite.
-I got wonderful ideas for different machines to invest in in the future, such as: a giant wheel that you get strapped into, a rocking hammock, and a generous amount of metal restraint mechanisms. Delicious.
-I became an educated member (ha!!) of the "I know what butt-expander dildos look like" society. They're big. No really. Picture what you think a big dildo would look like. Then look at the pictures. Shocking, right?

The wheeeeeel

Do you see the pickle dick? Do you?? 

Unreal. I should have put something there for perspective. But it's about the length of my legs and the width of my torso.

It was awesome. It was so funny, and yet kind of frightening to think about how many people enjoy these things...
It was also only like seven bucks to get in. What a deal!

Dylan and I also made a trip to Erotic City. Hey, when you're in Europe, do as the Europeans do. Which means, stop giving two shits about sex, because everybody does it and trying to keep it a secret just fails. Nudity is much less shocking if it's just everywhere. But anyway, Erotic City was just a big ole sex store. I've never been in one before, so I don't know how it compares to U.S. stores, but it was super intense. I thought about getting boyfriend a pair of assless chaps (as a joke!) but decided against it.

So the trip back. We were in these little boxes that had six seats facing each other, and apparently it would just use up too much freaking fuel to turn the air conditioning on while we were sitting there for like, 10 minutes, and so it was horrifically hot. Here are some pictures of our misery faces:

David eating a hot burrito in a hot train car.

My red, sweaty face being unsuccessfully fanned by my flea market fan.

And then the train started moving, but the air conditioning situation did not particularly improve. But it's all good, cause then we found out they messed up our tickets and so we got moved to first class. BOOSH. Best train ride ever. LOOK AT THIS FOOTROOM. LOOK AT IT.

SOO MUUUUCH ROOOOOM

And then I had class today. The end.

Schönen Tag! Bis später!

God bless America, etc.

So! It's been a few days!

By the way, in case you didn't notice, I've kind of stopped with the travel blog titles and dates. I couldn't keep track of them and I kept putting the wrong ones and having to repost and it irked me. No more!!

I've been feeling better thus far. My anxiety has been manageable, and it hasn't been too too hot at night lately!

Today though....Jesus Christ. I didn't have like heat stroke or heat exhaustion or anything, but I was feeling super nauseated and unbelievably hot and just...not OK. And my skin was like a boiler. I put a cold towel on it and it was hot in seconds. And I was hydrated....it was just so goddamn hot. MISERY.

I tell you what, if the only good thing that comes of this trip is that I appreciate air conditioning, so be it. Because I really really do. At the Belvedere the other day, the air conditioning was super cold and I had goose pimples, but I have never been happier to have goose pimples in my LIFE. I was ecstatic.

So I don't know what to tell you guys, cause I have a lot of explanations on all my pictures (new ones coming soon, I promise! Probably after we get back from Prague) and I don't want to be redundant. So I have two things to share with you. Firstly, a poem-type thing I randomly wrote on my way to the institute the other day. Second, re-written words to God Bless America, in honor of the fourth of July!

Le poem:

In the city here

The putrid stench of shit

Invades your nostrils

Horse piss

Accosting

Wraps you in its stinging stink

And the worst animal

The human

The unforgiving odor

Of a day spent in heat

Of a day spent too close to others

Of a stubborn refusal

To wear deodorant

It's inescapable

These smells of the city

And yet, there is beauty here

In the architecture of days long past

The saturation of paint

Still coated on 

After thousands of years of wear

You can feel the history, smell it

Sweeter than the stench

Of a city better left in a different time

The sound of a train

That whips up a wind

Blows through the tendrils of your hair

Blessedly cooling

As it enters the tunnel

The voice of a beggar

Please, just 50 cents

You walk on

You can't spare even something

So insignificant

The thrum of hammers, drills

The incessant clink

Of metal on metal

You can feel the heat

Right into your heart

It plunges beneath your skin

Reflected from the pavement

It burns you to the core

It should sit on your skin

But all of these city things

The smells

The sights

The sounds

They worm their way inside you

And live

Even as you sweat

Even as a rare breeze

Sweeps in through your pores

They linger

They are a part of you now

And even as you scrub the day away

Even as you lie in bed

They return

And stay with you in your dreams

Until another tomorrow comes

And they grow stronger

Alive in you

God Bless America:

God bless America

Land that I love

Unlike Europe

You have syrup

Give a shout for waffle house

Hey, it's good!

Ice with water

Air conditioning

Toilets that don't smell

And are FREEEE

God bless America

The land for me

God bless America

Where I can peeeeeee

foooooooor

FREEEEEE!

Ok well I hope you enjoyed that....have a lovely day. I'ma be off to Prague in the morning. At 7:48 in the morning. Hooray. BUT the train is air conditioned. Worth it : )

Tschüss!

Gratitude is in order!

I have something to say.

THANK YOU.

Thank all of you.

I had no idea the amazing response I would get from my last post. I had a tidal wave of encouragement from so many friends, old and new, and even people I didn't know personally, and it was so wonderful.

Obviously, I was in a really really bad place the other night. Like, really bad. And I have received so many good ideas from people that I've written down and filed away to use when my anxiety creeps up, which inevitably it will. I also came across two books, The Four Agreements and The Flinch, which are both kind of just in general life-enhancing books but which I've found apply perfectly to my anxiety. The universe just knew, I guess. Everything happens for a reason!

But I've done a lot of thinking, and here is the new place where things stand: I think that if I left and came home that I would have a lot of trouble forgiving myself for leaving. And I would also probably feel even more pathetic and defeated than I did after my panic attack. But if I stay here, and battle it out with my anxiety, no matter how often and how intensely, I think I will get more out of it in the long run.

Easier said than done, but I'm hoping all the positivity I've received will last me.

I really really do want to stay here, because as I said before, this trip is as much about pushing myself and experiencing every feeling that I might have as it is about furthering my German.

So...I don't have much else to say, but I just wanted to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart. I can't even begin to tell you how much it means to me to have so much support and so many people to believe in me even when I don't believe in myself.

I love you all, and I will keep you updated all everything, good and bad, that happens!

The good, the bad, and tonight

June 30

I wanted this travel blog to be about sharing all of my experiences with you. So I am going to share this one.

This is not going to be funny. Or fun. Or about enjoying my trip at all, actually.

Tonight is one of the worst nights of my life. In fact, it may be the worst.

I went to the flea market today, and it was pretty cool. I bought a few things and ate a good bratwurst and came back cause the heat was unbearable. 

And I've been sitting here at my house in Vienna with my fan since about 2 reading, doing homework, surfing the Interwebs, whatever. I also skyped with my parents.

I'm not sure what set me off, but after I skyped with my parents, I finished a book I've been reading, and I fell apart at the seams.

For those of my readers that have experienced a panic attack, which I know there are at least a few, this may be the worst I've had. So here is what I am feeling and experiencing, in no particular order:

I want to go home. I want to go home so badly it hurts. I miss my family and I miss my house and I miss America. I've been to Europe twice before for 14 days and never felt this, but the fact that this is a longer trip and that my family and the vast majority of my friends aren't here has made me feel severely homesick in only a week.

I'm afraid. I can't tell you what I'm afraid of, but I have this pit of fear deep in my stomach that is telling me to run, but I have nowhere to go, which makes me even more afraid.

I feel pathetic and defeated. I've been dealing with my anxiety for four years now, and it still cripples me this much. I feel like I've hit bottom and I'm going to stay there. 

I feel alone. I am literally alone right now, because everyone is traveling elsewhere right now, but I feel like I have no one to turn to. I've run up more than 100 dollars in phone bills just today, talking to my family and boyfriend, but none of them are here with me. 

I feel frustrated. I wanted to do this so badly, and I'm absolutely 100 percent miserable. I know that in the midst of a panic attack, it's a bad idea to make a judgment on your experience, but for the most part, I've been struggling with some aspect of anxiety the whole time I've been here. I'm also frustrated because I know that most of my thoughts are irrational, but I feel like I can't do anything to stop them. 

I feel like I am not going to make it through the night. I feel like I am going to die, which is absolutely ridiculous, but it's how I feel. I feel like I will panic all through the night, which is actually physically impossible, and that no one will be here to help me. A phone call can only do so much. My house mother's parents live downstairs and don't speak much English, so I honestly am stuck with myself.

I want my mommy and daddy, and I don't care how stupid or immature that makes me sound, because I do. I think that people always have those times, even when they're old and gray. 

I hate this place. I hate the lack of air conditioning, the dirty city (though the buildings are beautiful), the fact that they put vinegar on their salads, public transportation, crowds, and the fact that it is not Concord Hills in Knoxville, TN, where even if I panic, I know that I will be safe.

I do not feel safe here. I know rationally that there is nothing happening and I have nothing to be afraid of, but I feel unbelievably, constantly in danger.

I don't know what to do, but I thought maybe writing and sharing with you all would help somewhat. So I'm reaching out to you now, and I hate asking for help, but please, if you've struggled with any of this before, any coping strategies would be greatly appreciated. Like, I'm begging. 

So here is where things stand. I know that making decisions based on thoughts manifested in anxiety is not good, but since those seem to be the majority of my thoughts here, perhaps this is the choice I have to make. I have decided to get through the night (which I will, dammit, because no one has ever died of a panic attack and I'm not going to be the first), hang out tomorrow until people get back, go to class Monday and Tuesday, and see where I stand.

If I still feel like this, I am going home. I know you may think that I'm weak or that I should stick it out, but really, if I'm this miserable it will be bad for both my mental and physical health for me to stay here.  When I get anxious I have extreme difficulty eating, and I need to be well nourished for all of our tours and because I'll be walking around in such heat. It makes me sad, because if I want to come back to Europe in the future, I know that I would feel unable should I go home on this trip.

I wanted to have this experience, for better or for worse, but I have never felt worse in my life. 

So....yup. That's what's up. Please, please message me on facebook or comment or whatever with any help you may be able to give me. Calling is probably a bad idea...don't want another 100 dollars of talk time.

Condition the air, Europe: Travel blog 4

June 28-29

People of America (who read my blog), you are going to participate in a moment of silence now. That is not a request. Take a moment and thank whatever god you worship, or whoever invented air conditioning, for air conditioning. Just stop reading, and say, "Thank you, god (or air conditioning man) (or both) for this wonderful cooling device that is so common in America and which we take for granted. I appreciate you for your methods of de-hot-iffying when it is 105 degrees outside, and I am so grateful that I am not IN AUSTRIA, WHERE THERE IS NO AIR CONDITIONING EVER."

Did you do it? Did you take that moment and give thanks?

Don't read on until you've done it, because seriously, this should be added to the moments of silence they have at baseball games or after the Pledge of Allegiance in school.

Ich bin allein. I am alone. In a large house in Austria. And all of my roommates and my house mother have traveled away. Probably to a place with air conditioning, curse them.

So I went shopping today, on this huuuuge street filled with extremely expensive shops where I received a lemon candy from a man pretending to be a statue. I think it's ok, though, cause he only did it when I dropped a Euro in his little box.

A whole Euro. Everyone else gave him 50 cent pieces. I am a saint, it's true. That's two bathroom visits, people, TWO. I could pee myself because of my saintliness.

But anyway, the bus/subway ride to the city wasn't too terrible, cause it wasn't that hot yet. But then it hit like 98 in the city, where there are many people and lots of black asphalt to kindly reflect the boiling hot sun onto you. And I literally am surprised that I am alive right now. I didn't think I would make it. The subway ride back was bad, but then I got on the bus.

I want you to imagine, for a moment, that it is 98 degrees outside and you've been walking around all day. Got it? OK. Now imagine that you step onto a bus that is 110 degrees. Satan might be driving this bus. Actually, Satan might BE the bus, that's how hot it is. Now try and take a breath. YOU CAN'T. It burrrrrns you. And you're out of water. And all you have to fan yourself is a measly little map of Viennese subways.

How much does that suck??

The suck present in this situation cannot be measured. It is immeasurable.

Also, this Satan bus was packed with people who smelled like butthole. And I am the last stop.

Good times here in Vienna...

Bis später! Enjoy your air conditioning!

Zippy fingers: Travel blog 3

June 26-27

Everyone clap, because Kelly finally felt relatively anxiety free today thus far!! *clap clap clap*

Huzzah! So umm...this whole travel blog thing might end up being way more boring than I thought it would be, cause here's the thing: I'm pretty much just studying. I mean, I know it's study abroad, but I figured I would be going around the city doing stuff after class every day. But after two hours of German class, and two hours of walking around for our culture class, I just want to come back to my home here in Wien. And by the time we get here, it's 6:30 or 7 because of our commute. So I eat dinner, do my homework, shower, and go to bed. (Ich esse Abendessen, mache meine Hausaufgauben, dusche, und gehe ins Bett. For those of you wondering what that is in German....maybe no one. But now you know.)

Also, after our culture class, they tend to just like, leave us to fend for ourselves wherever we visit. So they take us out to some museum like 80 years away and then say, "Ok Tschüss! Have fun finding your way back!" So it takes extra time to get home. Grrrr.

AND. For our culture class, we have to write a paper for every place we go, right? But for some reason, for half (maybe more) of our class days, we have TWO culture excursions. One at 9:30 a.m. (which means getting up at 7, yippee) and one at 3. And we have to write papers for both of them. Kill me. Those are going to be the longest days ever. I asked my teacher about it today and she said we're doubling up because we have two free afternoons at the end of the trip. Which is great, but we double up like eight times, not two.

I know you're a German professor, but come on, that math does NOT add up.

Ok well this was fun I guess. Buddy and I went zum Supermarkt to buy food, and on the way there, I saw all this asphalt that was kind of bubbling up from cracks in the ground. And I figured they were just bumps in the sidewalk.

But then we got in the store and I couldn't freakin' walk cause I was slipping all over the damn place. And I finally looked at the bottom of my shoes and saw this:

Guess the asphalt wasn't dry.

We also ate at this tiiiiny little place that had Döner Kebaps, which is like meat and veggies and goodness. Kinda like a Viennese gyro. And I got mine in a little box, and we were talking to the owner in German about how we were here studying German in Vienna, and that we loved the city, etc. And he brought us out a basket of fresh, warm bread that normally cost like four Euros! For FREEE! How awesome is that?? He was soooo sweet.

Sooooo good.

In the city, one of my roomies and I found this amaaaaazing place to eat lunch during our break between classes called Operncafe (cause it's across the street from die Staatsoper, AKA the state opera house). And I am going to eat there every day until I try all of their sandwiches and tortes and gelatto. For the love of god it is so good. And the lady is beginning to like us : ) and she speaks to us in German and we speak to her in German. Heck yes. Practice makes perfect.

Eatin' mah Walnut Torte!!

Ok. This is dumb. The other day before culture class, I zipped my finger in my purse. That is not a joke. I was zipping it up, and it just zipped the skin right off my knuckle.

Seriously, like, what is my life.

Seriously, who does that happen to?? Gahhh. It hurts like crazy and bled for a billion years. Even in Wien, Österreich, I cannot escape the ridiculous things that happen to me.

Aight folks, it's 10:30 here and I need ta go to bed so I can be up at the ass crack of dawn. Bis später, meine Freunde! Ich vermisse dich, und Knoxville, und ICE IN MY WATER.

K bye.

You got a sorority tattoo?!?! Travel blog 2

June 24-25

So, when we left off, I was freakin' out and whatnot. 

It continues a bit. Ach so! Like, every morning I'm waking up with that same dread and fear. Thus far it's gotten better as the day goes on, but I hope that eventually it'll just go away completely...

Boo, anxiety, BOOOO! I seriously called my mom at 1:30 a.m. her time cause I couldn't even handle it this morning. This for real needs to stop.

But ANYWAY. Good things!!

So we went to the Donau Inselfest, which is this HUUUUGE music festival on Donau Insel, an island near Vienna. And for me and my roommate here (who I will refer to henceforth as buddy, due to the buddy system we have in place) it was an hour and a half ride to get there. Like, we live in the boondocks of Vienna.

But there was this creepy death metal band there...and 1) The singer HAD to have made a pact with the devil for his voice to sound like it did, 2) Despite said pact, he was hot as helllll, and 3) He now owns more bras than I do. See photo: 

Seriously, do you see them all?? What does he do with them?

Also, there was a techno "band" which was actually just a DJ booth on a giant stage that played techno songs, and there were two dancers in front who just yelled, "EVERYBODY LET ME SEE YOU JUMP!!" in English and jumped/danced along. Weird.

Do you see them both at the front with their hands up but doing nothing else? Yeah, that was the whole show.

Also, there was one of those mechanical bulls, but for some reason unbeknownst to, um, anyone, they had placed a reindeer mask over it....So there was that.

Seriously, like what is that?

And then buddy and I left the festival at about 9 p.m. so we could get back to the house and shower and get to bed, because we had to be at the Institute at 8:30 this morning.

That is what we planned on.

However, devil-possessed death metal man must have passed on a curse to me (probably because I was taking a video of him and laughing....) because we couldn't find the entrance to the damn U-Bahn. Buddy and I were unaware that we had come out of the other side of the building when we got to the festival, and thought it was on the side directly next to the island. BECAUSE THAT MAKES SENSE. So we walked allllll the way across this like two-mile long bridge, until we found some randos who, thank jebus, were English, and they told us where the station was. And it was a billion miles away. But we got there.

And then we got to the bus stop, and I noticed it was beginning to lightning. And I knew it was supposed to rain today, but apparently, it started yesterday. Cause we got on the bus and the skies opened and rained like we'd pissed them off. And when we got off the bus, it was still pouring, and we had no choice but to walk back in it.

Dunno if you can tell how SOAKED we are, due to the lighting, but it was bad.

Lovely.

So today!

Turns out our classes are from 12-5, which is phenomenal, because I can sleeeeeep. Until ten. And then I begin my commute. But the Institute is beautiful, albeit a bus and train ride away. I am NOT going to miss public transit...

Also, for some reason pretty much all the toilets smell. I mean, in America, our public bathrooms smell, but ALL the bathrooms smell super jank here...it's like the toilets don't flush properly. Dumb. 

Ok last thing. Funniest thing in my life. I was talking to one of the guys on the trip today, who is my fave person ever cause he's so dang funny, and he was like, "Hey you have a tattoo!" And I was like, yeah it's Greek. And he asked what the letters were, and I told him. And he waits for a second and goes, "Wait a minute....did you seriously get a sorority tattoo??" And I said, "Oh, darling. Greek as in the language." Best misinterpretation ever.

Ummmm...I think that's all for now. Keep your fingers crossed for me that my anxiety stops bugging me!!

Bis spaeter meine Freunden!!