The good, the bad, and tonight

June 30

I wanted this travel blog to be about sharing all of my experiences with you. So I am going to share this one.

This is not going to be funny. Or fun. Or about enjoying my trip at all, actually.

Tonight is one of the worst nights of my life. In fact, it may be the worst.

I went to the flea market today, and it was pretty cool. I bought a few things and ate a good bratwurst and came back cause the heat was unbearable. 

And I've been sitting here at my house in Vienna with my fan since about 2 reading, doing homework, surfing the Interwebs, whatever. I also skyped with my parents.

I'm not sure what set me off, but after I skyped with my parents, I finished a book I've been reading, and I fell apart at the seams.

For those of my readers that have experienced a panic attack, which I know there are at least a few, this may be the worst I've had. So here is what I am feeling and experiencing, in no particular order:

I want to go home. I want to go home so badly it hurts. I miss my family and I miss my house and I miss America. I've been to Europe twice before for 14 days and never felt this, but the fact that this is a longer trip and that my family and the vast majority of my friends aren't here has made me feel severely homesick in only a week.

I'm afraid. I can't tell you what I'm afraid of, but I have this pit of fear deep in my stomach that is telling me to run, but I have nowhere to go, which makes me even more afraid.

I feel pathetic and defeated. I've been dealing with my anxiety for four years now, and it still cripples me this much. I feel like I've hit bottom and I'm going to stay there. 

I feel alone. I am literally alone right now, because everyone is traveling elsewhere right now, but I feel like I have no one to turn to. I've run up more than 100 dollars in phone bills just today, talking to my family and boyfriend, but none of them are here with me. 

I feel frustrated. I wanted to do this so badly, and I'm absolutely 100 percent miserable. I know that in the midst of a panic attack, it's a bad idea to make a judgment on your experience, but for the most part, I've been struggling with some aspect of anxiety the whole time I've been here. I'm also frustrated because I know that most of my thoughts are irrational, but I feel like I can't do anything to stop them. 

I feel like I am not going to make it through the night. I feel like I am going to die, which is absolutely ridiculous, but it's how I feel. I feel like I will panic all through the night, which is actually physically impossible, and that no one will be here to help me. A phone call can only do so much. My house mother's parents live downstairs and don't speak much English, so I honestly am stuck with myself.

I want my mommy and daddy, and I don't care how stupid or immature that makes me sound, because I do. I think that people always have those times, even when they're old and gray. 

I hate this place. I hate the lack of air conditioning, the dirty city (though the buildings are beautiful), the fact that they put vinegar on their salads, public transportation, crowds, and the fact that it is not Concord Hills in Knoxville, TN, where even if I panic, I know that I will be safe.

I do not feel safe here. I know rationally that there is nothing happening and I have nothing to be afraid of, but I feel unbelievably, constantly in danger.

I don't know what to do, but I thought maybe writing and sharing with you all would help somewhat. So I'm reaching out to you now, and I hate asking for help, but please, if you've struggled with any of this before, any coping strategies would be greatly appreciated. Like, I'm begging. 

So here is where things stand. I know that making decisions based on thoughts manifested in anxiety is not good, but since those seem to be the majority of my thoughts here, perhaps this is the choice I have to make. I have decided to get through the night (which I will, dammit, because no one has ever died of a panic attack and I'm not going to be the first), hang out tomorrow until people get back, go to class Monday and Tuesday, and see where I stand.

If I still feel like this, I am going home. I know you may think that I'm weak or that I should stick it out, but really, if I'm this miserable it will be bad for both my mental and physical health for me to stay here.  When I get anxious I have extreme difficulty eating, and I need to be well nourished for all of our tours and because I'll be walking around in such heat. It makes me sad, because if I want to come back to Europe in the future, I know that I would feel unable should I go home on this trip.

I wanted to have this experience, for better or for worse, but I have never felt worse in my life. 

So....yup. That's what's up. Please, please message me on facebook or comment or whatever with any help you may be able to give me. Calling is probably a bad idea...don't want another 100 dollars of talk time.