Giving thanks and stuff

Thank you, family, for being as crazy and weird as I am, so I know I'm never alone. Thank you for keeping me fed (STUFFED) every day, and especially today. 

Thank you, daddy, for making me a worry wart—because at least I'm conscientious and always on time—and for giving me the gift of MUSIC! And thank you for at least attempting to teach me to drive a stick shift.

Thank you, momma, for helping me be able to relax when that worrying gets too pesky, and for also giving me the gift of music, and for always singing show tunes with me!

Thank you, lil bro, for making me look younger than I actually am (not that I'm old) and for playing Polly Pockets with me when all my friends were busy.

Thank you, boyfriend, for ten-second tickle fests. Thank you for MKMKM (where did that go?? We need to bring it back!) Thank you for five-hour skype calls and thinking I'm beautiful.

Thank you, Peeja Peej, for always inspiring me and always being there for me. And also for watching scary movies with me. 

So now that we got all the mushy stuff out of the way......

Thank you, Pizza Hut, for stuffing your pizza crusts with delicious, warm, gooey cheese.

Thank you, Jimmy John's, for putting guacamole on my favorite sandwich. 

Thank you, memory foam, for the comfort you grace my head with each and every night.

Thank you, Kroger, for supplying me with avocados every week.

Thank you, Cheez its, for your great variety in types of snack mix (original wins every time though!)

Thank you, obesity, for making me look small.

Thank you, candles, for your wonderful smells that caress my nose holes when I light you.

Thank you, birth control, for preventing pregnancy like you do. That's really nice of you.

Thank you, Charmin Ultra, for being soft. After experiencing that crap they use in Europe, I am doubly grateful for your 2-ply excellence. 

Thank you, heart, for beating.

Thank you, brain, for thinking and being relatively intelligent, even though a lot of the time you really piss me off with your constant worrying. Srsly, cut it out.

Thank you, puppies, for making me happeh.

Thank you, tongue ring, for making that weird crack in my tongue just a little bit less obvious.

Thank you, Tiger Transit, for at least getting me TO campus quickly.

Thank you, hips, for being GIGANTIC, because maybe birth will be easy.

Thank you, Oreos, for being a thing. Especially when you're in a milkshake. 

Thank you, Obama, for being so adorable with your wife. (If you have not seen the photo series called, "Barack and Michelle being adorable in the White House," look that shit up. Now.)

THANK YOU, COWS, FOR BEING THE GREATEST ANIMAL EVER. YOUR AWESOMENESS CAN NEVER BE SURPASSED. YOU ARE ADORABLE AND ALSO HAVE UDDERS. ALSO, CHEESE.

And to my boobies: Thanks, ladies, for just being you. You're the best.

The time I sniffed ammonia salts: OOTD flashback

I don't know if this is going to be a thing....but I was thinking today about "One of Those Days" that I had a long time ago....so I decided to share it in an OOTD flashback!

So I came home today for Thanksgiving break, and within an hour of being in my house my throat was sore and I was coughing and my eyes were itchy. And the reason is: I am allergic to all things, including cats (of which we have four) and dogs (of which we have one, but he sheds a TON). So this is the story of the discovery of my allergies. I promise it's better than it sounds.

I got an allergy test when I was about 10. It was one of those ordeals where you go lay on a doctor bed thing and they punch a bunch (RHYME) of little needles in your back to see what you're allergic to. It didn't really hurt that bad, and I was only slightly allergic to cats and grass.

Then in high school, I was sick, like, alllllll the damn time. The issue was that when I got sick, I would always lose my voice, and I was big into choir and theater, and so I kind of needed that. After exhausting all other kinds of tests, my dad was like, "Hey, you haven't had an allergy test in seven years. Let's try that." And it wasn't that bad the first time, so I thought it would fine.

(Life hint: NEVER BASE EXPECTATIONS ON HOW SOMETHING WAS THE FIRST TIME.)

So I get an appointment at the allergy clinic at UT and go in on some random school day. And when I get called into the office, a gruesome sight greets me: there are two trays of 60 something needles sitting next to the patient chair. And they are all for me. Yay.

This allergy test did not use the little punchy things. Rather, I received 65 individual actual shots. I am horribly afraid of needles and shots, so to say the least, things did not go well.

The nurse started on my left arm at the top, and when she reached the bottom of my upper arm (she somehow fit half the shots in that area), the entire thing was like one gigantic mosquito bite and it was red and itched like nothing I have ever experienced before in my liiiiife.

And she measured them all with this weird circle millimeter template, and got this look on her face like, "Damn." But she proceeded to my right arm. And as she started those shots, I started to feel really funny. And I finally said something about it, and she was like, OK sit back and try to breathe slowly. And then I passed the fuck out and the next thing I know they're shoving ammonia salts under my nose (had no idea those still existed).

And I had had such a severe allergic reaction that I had to leave and come back later in the week to finish the test cause it messed all my shit up. Obviously. I fainted. And if you just saw my arms you would think I was a swol football player.

And when I finally was able to endure the pain and itching to finish the test, my doctor comes in the room and says, "Well....I do have some good news. We figured out why you're sick all the time."

"We tested you for 65 things and...you are not allergic to 5."

So I was actually allergic to more than 90 percent of the things they tested me for. And I am severely allergic to cats, dogs, and most trees and grasses.

Hoo-RAY.

So then I got six shots a week for half a year, and now I'm FINALLY down to two shots every three weeks. And I don't lose my voice as much anymore. So that's good.

The downside is that because I'm so allergic to the shit they're putting into me, my shots usually hurt and itch like crazy, sometimes for two or three days. And a lot of times they end up looking like this:

And this one was the worst it ever was. It's not the part at my very upper arm that's red, but the giant white swollen thing that's outlined in red:

So...yeah. That was one of those days that turned into a series of one of those shots. Except those shots happened twice a week. And three in each arm. 

I take a lot of benadryl.

Minute to do the weirdest shit you've ever heard

I have an addiction. Luckily it's not something that's, like, hurting my internal organs. At least as far as I know...But this addiction is Game Show Network. It's really bad. 

But it's soooooooo good!!

Anyway, there's this show....Minute to Win it. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? And they make them do the oddest things...some examples:

Don't Blow the Joker is a game where you have to blow a deck of cards that are balanced on top of a bottle off of said bottle, but you can't blow the joker, which is the last card in the deck.

Candy Elevator is a game where you have to get three M&Ms from the floor to your mouth. The candy is placed on two pencils that are stuck together, and these pencils have string tied on the ends, and then you put the string around your ears and pull it and with this makeshift pulley you have to get the candy into your mouth.

Seriously. Who thinks of this shit??

Roommate and I were watching this the other day and were wondering how you think of such ridiculousness. So I decided to brainstorm some ideas for games that could be on Minute to Win it.

PAT DAT: In this game, you have to balance on a 6-square-inch platform on one foot for 20 seconds while simultaneously patting your head and rubbing your belly

OH YEAH: In this game, you have to bend over backwards as far as you can and fill your belly button with Kool Aid and do a lap around the stage without it falling out.

DON'T FORGET WYOMING: In this game, you have to smoke a joint and then attempt to eat a candy necklace off of a naked woman while naming all of the capitals of the American states. 

OCEANS ELEVEN: In this game, you have to carve a bar of soap made of seaweed and lye into the shape of George Clooney's face without using a knife. Available on the stage will be shark teeth, sharpened pencils, bobby pins, and shoe laces.

WOO-WOOHOO: In this game, you have to complete a race in Mario Kart and finish in fourth place without touching any mystery boxes. You must do this using only one hand for the controller, and use the other hand to tickle a monkey.

SUSHI BRAID: In this game, you have to give a child corn rows using only chopsticks.

If you're out there, GSN, I give you my full permission to use any of these on your show. I think it would really give your contestants a good challenge. 

Fuuuuuuuuu-

Coming at you today with a video.

Would love some constructive feedback! This is my first time doing a skit-like video, as opposed to a more vlog-type thing. Any opinions? Is it excellent? Does it suck? Should I stick to my day job? Comment here or on the facebook and let me know :)

President Tsaltas

Oh hello.

If you have a Facebook—which come on, you do—you've likely been BOMARDED over the past month or more with obnoxious political posts. Now, I am all for voting, and I strongly believe everyone should do it, because it's your freaking right and stuff. But people have gotten a little too serious about this election for my taste. So I am here to lighten things up.

This is what my platform would look like if I were running for president. You can see that I am focusing on the important stuff here.

ETIQUETTE: 

Bad table manners are hereby made illegal. I will create new jobs by stationing Cotillion-trained uniformed officers in every eating establishment to make sure you:

• Chew with your mouth closed.
• Keep your elbows off the table.
• Don't scrape your silverware against your teeth. (This is bad for your enamel and it makes a horrible screeching sound. Use your lips, please.)

DRESS:

Nike Clause: Exercise clothes are henceforth unacceptable attire in public unless you are actually exercising. In which case, good for you! I salute your cardiac health! Forbidden clothing includes:

• Nike shorts (these are completely forbidden from October to March, even if you are exercising).
• Oversized t-shirts and/or t-shirts with cutouts. 
• Exercise shoes (converse, VANS, and other such sneakers are exempt).

Pants Clause: Leggings are no longer tolerated as an acceptable alternative to pants. If you are wearing leggings, you must be wearing one of the following:

• A dress.
• A tunic top.

Furthermore, this dress or tunic top must completely cover you bottom. Furtherfurthermore, there will be a weight limit placed on leggings. This weight limit will extend to ALL OTHER TIGHT CLOTHING. Current officers will be trained to spot and arrest offenders of these clauses.

OBNOXIOUS NOISE:

I will implement nation-wide "quiet hours" which all citizens must adhere to out of courtesy for their fellow man. 

Night clause: It is considered rude to be making noise after 11 p.m. or 10 p.m. if you live in an area heavily populated by families. Violations of the noise policy include, but are not limited to:

• Screaming.
• Loud talking.
• Loud giggling/snickering/laughing/chortling.
• TV volume loud enough to hear outside the room of the actual television set.
• Music loud enough to hear outside the room/car in which it is playing.
• Honking car horns.
• Beating tribal drums in the street.

Day clause: It is considered rude to be making noise before 9 a.m. REGARDLESS OF YOUR RESIDENTIAL AREA. Violations of the noise policy include the above, with the following additions:

• Leaf blowing
• Construction work
• Yard work

Again, officers will be stationed in all residential areas to enforce these policies. In addition, Auburn University maintenance workers will receive a stern talking to before these policies are enforced, just to make sure they REALLY get it this time.

DUMB-DUMB RULE:

If you ask a stupid question (yes they do exist, and they are defined as: A question which has an answer that should be common sense) or make a stupid comment, you will be slapped. All American citizens may enforce this rule at their discretion.

Thank you for your support of my candidacy. If you feel anything has been left out, please contact my people. You can do this by leaving a comment here or on my Facebook page. 

VOTE FOR KELLY!