I do stuff good

HELLO. GOOD EVENING.

Sorry. Didn't mean to yell. I was just so excited.

I meeeeesed you!!

So, sorry that I'm just going to copy Jenna Marbles again, but listen, it's finals week and I've been busy doing this new youtube thing with boyfriend (This thingy) and formal was this past Friday and so was Matt's 21st birthday and I JUST HAD TO BUY HIM A CACTUS AND STUFF, OK??

So yes, I will copy Miss Marbles and discuss today things at which I am excellent.

EINS: Being empathetic. This can be a good thing or a bad thing. I would like to think that most people appreciate being truly understood, but it's rough for me sometimes. For example, one of my former friends was talking to me about how he missed his ex girlfriend one night and he started crying and then I started crying and he was like, "Why are you crying?" And I was like, *sniffle* "It's just so sad." Like, my heart just broke for him. With him? I don't know. But it was just sadness.

ZWEI: Facebook stalking. Do NOT underestimate my ability to find you on social media. And/or find out things about you on social media. And look at all of your pictures sometimes.

DREI: Finding the dark side of youtube. Sometimes...you start out watching one of your subscriptions, which makes you think of something else, which makes you think of something else, and then there's something else on the sidebar, and then you're watching an interview with the human barbie.

VIER: Not studying. I will find any and all excuses to not study. Cleaning, eating, watching a very important TV show. Now, I make excellent grades, so it's not that big of a deal. When I do study, I study for like ten minutes, get bored, go on a massive Internet surf and get back to it an hour later and do another ten minutes. Wash, rinse, repeat.

FÜNF: Acquiring pimples on my chin area. It is amazing how fast those suckers pop up. And I have cream and shit for it too. And I use a face wash with salicylic acid. HOW CAN YOU GET PAST THAT??

SECHS: Attracting bugs. If I could have attracted boys back in high school like I've always attracted bugs, I would have probably had a boyfriend before senior year. I don't know how, but they find me. I once went to the park wearing bug spray and TWO of those mosquito preventing fans that you clip on your clothes and STILL came back with upwards of 40 bites. Like, insects are willing to die just to get a piece of this. That's pretty impressive, you know?

SIEBEN: Sarcasm. I actually have a t-shirt that says, "Sarcasm: just one of my many talents." I got it from a rotund Romanian woman. She literally gave me the shirt off her back.

ACHT: Kissing. 'Nough said.

NEUN: Accents. I had to do so many accents for all the plays I did in middle and high school. Not only can I do British, I can do every part of Britain. The one accent I can't do? Southern. And I've lived here my whole life. That makes sense.

ZEHN: German. I'm stupid good at German. I mean, my accent and pronunciation are pretty good, but I'm a grammar beast. Like, I'm that asshole that got 100s on all my tests. There is a surprising amount of people that struggle with languages. I guess I would probably struggle with French, cause I hate it. And Czech, because it's CRAY. Seriously, I spent three days there and could not even get "Thank you" down. I think I knew "Cheers"....

Right, well, that's it then. If you read my blog you should toooootally check out Matt and I's youtube channel. It's not that funny, but we do sing for you!! Subscribe and stuff. And we will continue to sing to you. Every week. It'll happen. Except when I'm home for two weeks. Ok...bye.

South Beach Diet

Oh hello.

So...I have the anger about a great many things, and I want to make myself feel better. I was going to make a satire of my life events since January but there are things that I don't want to put on the interwebs. 

So how do I cease to be a giant squid of anger?

Apathy.

That is it. I need to give zero fucks about all things. Like little Jimmy, who ends his day with his bushel of fucks still in tact.

And obviously there are some things that I should still care about, but perhaps I need to put myself on a strict regimen of not caring about anything at all for a few days and then slowly add things back in. Like the South Beach diet. That is my life. The South Beach Diet of Giving No Fucks.

Let's begin.

What if: I'm thirsty?

No fucks given. I can live a few days without water. SO BE IT.

What if: I have to poop?

Nope. I don't. YOU DON'T CONTROL ME, BOWELS.

What if: someone hits me in the face?

I will turn the other cheek. Because I did not even care about the first one. I'm a regular Jesus.

What if: you're going to school in the morning and you have to get dressed?

Don't care. Going naked.

What if: someone you liked at one point in time is dating someone you hate?

I. WILL. NOT. CARE. ABOUT. THIS. OCCURRENCE. 

What if: your boyfriend tells you he loves you?

I will say it back. Apathetically. (This one will probably be added back in first. Maybe after water and pooping)

What if: I get my finger caught in the door like I did the other day?

Finger, shminger. Move along.

What if: aliens do exist and they invade earth and go after my beloved cat but at the same time whales have figured out how to move about on land and are seeking me out because I'm wearing green and they thought I was krill but I'm not and the world has run out of vodka and peach schnaaps??

ZERO FUCKS I TELL YOU.

ZEROOOOOOOO.