Bruises on asses

Hello my lovely blog readers.

Let me tell you some things about my ass. I have two ass stories for you today.

The time I went cliff jumping and did it wrong

This story begins with me thinking that I was more of a daredevil than I actually was and telling my friend Laex (actual name) that I had always wanted to go cliff diving. So we decide to hang out one day and when I ask what we're doing he says, "I'll come pick you up. Wear a bathing suit."

So we get to the cliffs and they're really frigging high. And the river looked real mean. And I was just being a big ole pussy about it. Hey, 30 feet is a long way.

And finally Laex promises to buy me a smoothie if I jump, and so I did.

But see, no one told me—as a virgin cliff jumper—that I needed to be very sure that I did a pencil dive into the river. So I sort of flailed about in the air for 30 feet and hit the water...in a seated position.

You know that feeling when you fall on your tailbone and it knocks the breath right out of you?

Now, imagine falling on it from a cliff and having to tread water after. Not the best feeling I've ever had.

So then we're climbing back up to the top after Laex jumps and he's behind me and he just goes, "Holy shit, Kelly, your ass is black."

And indeed it was. The whole left cheek and top of my thigh. MONSTER bruise, dude. And it hurt like hell.

And the smoothie wasn't even that good.

The time I got steroids shot into my ass

So I was real sick last week. My nasal membranes were swollen the size of Alaska. Which, in case you were unaware, is the biggest state. I could not breathe. I woke up every morning shocked to be alive because I figured I would have suffocated during the night.

I went to the doctor for to get better. And she said I should get a steroid shot cause they work quickly. And I was down for whatever would get me out of that no breathing hell as fast as possible.

So some lady came in and shoved a needle in my left butt cheek (Poor lefty!! He gets all the injuries) and that actually didn't hurt. But then the serum went in and it burrrrned oh my STARS it burned. It was like there was a little gremlin man inside my butt cheek poking me with lit matches. 

And then I almost passed out cause I hadn't had enough to eat and so they made me lie down in the scary IV room and gave me a juicebox.

And a week later I still have a bruise. See? 

Calm down, it's on the very top of my butt. See, that's the bottom of my shirt. Not inappropriate.

I do feel better though. So there's that.

Of course, they also prescribed me freaking 40 MILLIGRAMS of steroids a day to take for a week after the shot. So.....don't be surprised if I grow chest hair and a penis. 

Members and Oxygen loss

Please excuse my obnoxiously exposed bra strap. I was only trying to get into the mood of the story....either that, or my shirt sleeves are stupid and fall down all the time. 

This is a long-ish video, but it is worth your time. Because I talk about penis balloons and boobies.

The time I hit a pedestrian

So yesterday. Yesterday was just...a day of poop. POOP I SAY. I was just all sad and moody and shit cause of things. Yeah fun fact: My life has been a pit of confusion and sadness and terrible and it's all my own stupid fault. But yesterday I was feeling especially bad. 

And then. AND THEN.

Boyfriend was coming over and I was like, "Hey, I have three ripe avocados. Let's make guacamole!"

And he was all, "Hell yeah guacamole let's do it."

Actual conversation.

So I went to Kroger to get cilantro and an onion. And also salt. Because we were out of it. Yes, those gigantic tubs of salt do eventually run out. 

But I never made into Kroger. Because, pedestrian.

Let me give you the facts:

1. There's a crosswalk across the entrance to Kroger. 

2. It was night.

3. There are no streetlights that part of the road.

And so I'm turning into the entrance to Kroger at like...regular people driving speed. And all of a sudden there's this flash of blonde hair and I was like, Jesus H. Christ that is a human being.

And I slammed on my breaks, and I sooooorta bumped her and she slams her hands on the hood of my car and looks at me like, "What the hell???" 

So I roll down my window and ask if she's OK and she runs off. So I guess she was.

And then I noticed something: This bitch was wearing ALL BLACK.

I'm sorry, but if you're gonna be jogging at night in a place that's poorly lit, you need to wear either a)Light-colored clothes, or b)Reflective stuff.

Isn't that a rule? Am I crazy?

Anyway, I was SO freaked out last night. Like I pulled into Kroger and then I started crying and just went back home. And I drove like four streets over so I wouldn't run into her again.

Haha. I didn't even realize the pun there. 

But now it's funny. And also annoying cause she was kiiiiinda asking for it. Stupid girl. 

So yeah. I came back home and boyfriend brought me a twix and then we went back to the store and we finally MADE OUR GUACAMOLE, DAMMIT.