The Bridge

This blog post is about to get hella personal. So just be ready for that. It's also not funny or lighthearted. I'm not the biggest fan of veering from my typical style of post, but this shit has been on my mind, so I'm just going to say it. Or, rather, I'm going to let Nayyirah Waheed say it, because no one has ever said it better:

"Someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready." 

--Nayyirah Waheed

My previous relationship—my only relationship—ended because he wasn't ready to join me on the bridge. That relationship was the greatest love I have ever known. It's been about three months since it ended, and I've been dating and exploring and pushing my mental and physical boundaries. Honestly, I've been pretty happy overall. But I have my moments.

No matter how quickly (relatively) I was able to pick myself back up, and despite having moved on, and regardless of my recent realization and acceptance that I actually do not want that relationship back, it still really fucking hurts to think about how the manner in which it ended. I think it will always sting a little bit.

But I was on the bridge, and he wasn't even on the other side of the bridge—he was on the ground. He was in the river. He was floating in the clouds. Wherever the hell he was, we somehow ended up on completely different pages of a book that we had been writing together for years. And boy, did I try to convince him to meet me on the bridge. I must have called him 20 times the morning after he broke up with me. I spent several hours texting him and telling him that I was wrong, and that I understood, and that if we both tried we could make it work.

But the thing is, I wasn't wrong. I don't understand. And I don't know that I could have learned to trust him again and make it work. The bottom line is that I shouldn't have sat there for hours, texting my way through my battery power trying to inspire him to want me again.

No one should ever have to do that.

Do not do that. Do you hear me?

No matter how long you have been with a person, no matter how long you have known them, no matter what level your relationship is at, you NEVER. EVER. have to convince them. In fact, the longer you've been together, the more offensive it becomes that you would have to convince them of anything.

Even in the short time that I've been dating, I'm starting to realize that I might be chillin' on this bridge by myself for awhile. I'm the type of person that truly cares about people. I want to get to know you and I want to understand you. But when I do, I tend to develop feelings faster than I should. It's a somewhat annoying trait of mine, but one that I do not want to ever change. See, feeling that intensely and connecting with people like I can is an amazing feeling when it happens, even though that trait can also tend to put me right back on that bridge alone. 

It fucking sucks to feel unwanted. To feel like you're not worth it. To feel like you're not good enough to warrant a bridge meeting. It is the most soul crushing feeling that I have ever experienced.

It's hard to recognize your own worth sometimes. It's definitely hard for me, and I tend to give people way, way too many chances. I'm here to tell the world that I'm done, and that you should be, too.

I'm confident that I'm a really awesome person. I'm fun and I'm funny and I'm a great listener. I'm a baller girlfriend and friend and the best movie watching partner you will ever come across. I generally get along well with people, and I feel like I'm good at making people feel comfortable around me. I'm very likeable—loveable, even.

And I'm done trying to convince people to see that. Sometimes I get down on myself and I think that I peaked in that relationship and that I'll never find anything that good again. Which is sad if it's true to be honest, but I don't think it is true. Even though I'm not relationship-ing again yet, I've met some pretty awesome guys. There are guys out there who are goofballs like me and have great senses of humor and who I'm unbelievably attracted to, and eventually, there will be a guy like that who will be on the bridge already. Maybe it'll take some time to find him, because it's easy to get distracted by those ground/cloud dwellers, but he exists and he'll be there.

And if I find someone who's super great and awesome and amazing and he's not on the bridge, I will just have to move on, no matter how much it hurts. My breakup was not a good breakup, but it's been a chance for me to figure out exactly what I want in a man, and exactly what I do NOT want in a man.

I'm not settling. Don't you dare settle.