I am a murderer

I have committed murder thrice in two days. That's way too much murder in such a short amount of time.

Case #1: The Razor

I bought a new razor yesterday. Schick finally came out with a lady version of the man razor that I have been using, and I thought to myself, "I am a lady. I should use this." WRONG. I sliced my armpits to pieces. I am so angry that I spent 11 dollars on this evil torture device. I had to put aloe on my lady pits and walk around with my arms in the air all night. 

Case #2: The Fly

Last night as I was reading before bed, a pesky fly kept bugging (ha!) me. He landed and vomited on my ear, and my comforter, and my wall. Rude. I woke up this morning and discovered that I had smothered him with my stomach whilst I was asleep....poor guy was all squished on my sheet in the approximate location of my torso. He had it coming to him I guess. Pesky lil' puker.

Case #3: The Big-Ass Mosquito

That bitch got slapped with a shoe and I do NOT regret it.