Guest Blog #1: A note on weed eating

This comes to you via Laura Berkstresser AKA suitemate. I'm so excited that I finally received a guest blog!! Remember, if you have any funny stories or things to say/share, email them to me at ket0015@auburn.edu (or facebook message me, whatever). Here is Laura's story....

So, if you have never engaged in battle with a massive quantity of weeds, I have some tips for you.

1. First, make sure you know how to start the confounded weed eater. If you have not consulted the owner’s manual starting the infernal contraption will be a long and treacherous battle, most likely resulting in your usage of a few choice words before enlisting the services of your useless ever-helpful mother in a game of trial and error that lasts for an eternity.

2. If the accursed thing finally cranks up, remember that you should, in fact, start it at least somewhere remotely close to where you intend to use it. Otherwise you will be forced to run like a madman to the end of the drive where the weeds happen to be. If you have never jogged approximately the length of a football field with a running weed eater in your hands, I highly recommend that you avoid it.

3. Once you get to the weeds, you may want to consider just how deep the ditch is that they are growing in. If you are unaware, you may have to go over the same areas over and over again to reach the bottom of the ditch. Also, know that the wretched piece of machinery may decide to stall out on you and you will have to restart it.

4. In case you did not know beforehand, you should also be wearing appropriate clothing to use the preposterous device. You should probably wear long pants, sleeves, tennis shoes, earplugs and sunglasses or safety glasses. While you may think this is silly and unnecessary, you will immediately regret choosing to wear short-shorts, a camisole, and flip-flops. You will be covered from head to toe with tiny bits of weed that, when slung at incredibly high velocities, can sting quite a bit. You will also find bits of plant matter in your eyes, which is both painful and disruptive to your vision.

5. If you are weed-eating in a high-visibility area (say, near the side of the road) be sure that you are willing to allow passers-by to witness the spectacle your are going to make of yourself. Do not be upset when random women driving by in SUVs slow down and laugh at your pathetic attempts at lawn-care.

6. When it is time to put away the ungodly device you have been utilizing, do not be disappointed when there is a strand of thorny vine wrapped around it. You may wish that you had invested in gloves before you began the endeavor, since your hands will not appreciate their misuse. After that, you might have to wash down the bottom of the weed-eater since it may be covered in a layer of green grime from the weeds you just decimated. Don’t mind the greenish water that will splash all over your feet and ankles as you attempt to clean up a bit. You must assume that the next person who uses the wretched thing will appreciate that it is neat and tidy.

7. When you come back inside to write about the epic battle you just fought with the ungodly patch of vegetation, do not be surprised when you find that you cannot hear properly because you did not bother with earplugs. Also, don’t worry about the fact that your hands are shaking so badly that you can barely type up your account of the endeavor. It is totally normal to be shakey after wielding such a rough-running contraption. And don’t worry too much about the itching. It’s probably just your allergies and not tiny bugs that had been living in the weeds. It would be silly to even entertain such a thought.

8. Finally, if ever you find yourself getting the bright idea to weed eat again…DON’T.

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