If I were my dog

My animals are odd. I mean, everyone's pets have their quirks, but mine are truly, truly weird. As I was sitting with my dog today, I began to contemplate what life would be like if I had the personality/traits of my dog or one of my cats....

If I were my dog...

Chief. His name is chief. If I were him, I would lick and nibble myself every time I got nervous. Which is a lot, so I would probably just be wet/chomped all the time. I would also sneeze any time I was even remotely excited. I would eat cat shit all day, erry day. And drink from the toilet. I would panic if there were more than two feet of space between all people ever. Everyone must be clustered (he's a herding dog). I would be able to jump twice my height. Perhaps thrice. I would consistently have hair falling off of me in chunks, yet I would never be any less hairy. I would smell like death less than two minutes after I bathed, no matter how much I scrubbed. Whenever it stormed I would shake uncontrollably and wander around looking for somewhere to hide.

Here is Chief in his thunder jacket, which makes him slightly less terrified during storms.

If I were my cat Pepe...

I would be abnormally large. Not obese, really, but just like a really big person. I would have a tiny, high-pitched, quiet voice and speak very rarely. I would get up and leave halfway through anything physically pleasurable, because even though I am enjoying it, I would rather be somewhere else. I would run away from people. I would be fascinated by lasers and attempt to catch them. I would eat only lettuce. I would love lettuce. 

Seriously, look how freaking big he is

If I were my cat Winston...

I would look like Jabba the Hut when I sat down. I would get really excited if you ever happened to touch a certain spot on my back. I would be balding. But I would love pretty much everyone. I would look after everyone younger than me and smack dogs in the face.

Straight up Jabba-ing, right there

If I were my cat CC...

I would be slightly cross-eyed, but quite loving. I would also be very petite. I would be afraid of everyone. And everyone would pick on me. 

Little cross-eyed kitteh

If I were my cat Tiny...

I would take girls' hair bands off their wrists with my teeth. My ass would get all shaky whenever I was in the presence of anything rubber, really. I would horde my collection of rubber things in a secret place. I would always be all up in your bidness. I would enjoy cuddling. I would beat up people, just for funsies. 

Here he shows his rubber fetish while playing with one of my elastic headbands

If I were my fish...

I would walk around all day aimlessly, waiting for food to drop from the sky.