Failures at Zelda

So this past Summer, my brother and I bought a GameCube and a bunch of games mostly because we missed Mario Kart double dash. And I remembered boyfriend telling me that Zelda was his fave game and so I was like, "I will buy Twilight Princess and play it!" And play it I did. These are some of my experiences with The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. Enjoy...

The beginning.

When I brought my GameCube to school, I set it up in boyfriends room because I have no TV. So I would go over sometimes and play Zelda, and he got super upset when he saw the names I had picked out when I'd started playing at home that summer...I mean, the game asked me what I wanted my name to be and what I wanted my horse's name to be, and so I chose names! I didn't think that was against the rules! But apparently, it's not OK to name Link after myself and to name my horse NayNay. Actually, my name in the game is KELLY and my horse's name is NAYNAY because I could not find the lowercase letters...but I thought that was such a clever name for a horse. Better than Epona. It was also entertaining because it always seemed like the characters were really excited about my names, cause they'd be like, "Hi there, KELLY. How is NAYNAY?" 

Jumping.

Boyfriend also ceaselessly made fun of my inability to jump...I would press the A button and then freak out that I wouldn't land right and so I would like jerk the control stick and end up landing in lava when I would have originally landed on a rock...I never did get the hang of that. It was very frustrating.

Fuckin plants, man.

I got very, very angry in the first temple. And this was because those stupid plants that look like Vile Plumes kept fucking eating me when I wanted to jump! I would go to jump over a gap in the wood and the plant would just, I don't know, suck me in from TEN FEET ABOVE IT with its little plant tendrils or whatever. And then it would hold me in its evil petals for a couple seconds and then spit me out after taking away half of one of my hearts. Rude. It took me probably three weeks to figure out how to throw the bombs in them. I kept not making it to the plants in time so the bombs would explode on me, which was the opposite of what I wanted. And finally little brother helped me destroy the Vile Plume-esque people eating plants.

Bosses.

I SUCK at facing the bosses. Like, I can't do it. Little brother or boyfriend would have to tell me what to do because it's not freaking intuitive and I would get confused and keep dying. 

So, here is what I have learned from this experience: boyfriend says that he loves video games because you work so hard to achieve something (beating a boss, getting the boomerang, etc.) that when you finally get it, you're like, "YES! I've done it!" But see, I never felt that. I would beat the boss and be like, "Well Jesus Christ, that took long enough. How many more of these are there?" Also, little brother says that half the fun of Zelda is that it doesn't really tell you what to do and you have to go find things on your own. Yay adventure! No. I don't enjoy wandering around for an hour trying to get whoever the hell's dumb cat back to them and he keeps running away from me, but OH, I just have to discover that if I buy a fishing rod and catch a fish for him, he'll follow me back to his owner. NO. That makes no sense. Just tell me what to do. This is why I like Mario Kart. Choose a character, win the race. That's all you have to do. It's not like you have to drive halfway around the track, bump bowser from the left side and push him into the lake, then steal his car, unlock the magic car wings that make it fly, and fly up to the finish line in the sky.

Simplicity, people, simplicity.