Exhibit A: My eyes just water all the dang time. I actually can't wear eyeliner on my water line because my eyes are like, "What? Why you do this to me? It hurts me! MUST. SPILL. WATER." And they get all teary and the eyeliner flees my water line in favor of my lower eyelid. So annoying. This is not the makeup look I was going for.
Exhibit B: If I laugh for more than two seconds, there are tears streaming down my face. Not like welling up, but seriously taking a little trip down my cheeks like I invited them there. Rude. That's fine if I'm cracking up about something. But it's super awk if somebody says something that's only mildly funny and I'm freakin crying over here like they're Dane Cook or something.
So I thought of this annoying feature that I possess because my famz was in town this weekend and my mom's tear ducts do that too. THANKS MOM. No it's cool. I mean it sucks but you're cool, so it's all good. And I just figured I'd tell you guys a little about teh famz. Cause they're crazy and hilarious and just excellent.
So! Meet teh famz!
Dad: OB/GYN, moonlights as a badass drummer in a hard rock/blues band. If he sneezes on you you'll move three feet back. He sneezes quite powerfully. Tis actually more of a scream than a sneeze. Frequently terrifies people when he sneezes in public. Sounds like Darth Vader. In fact, he did a Darth Vader impression to my first boyfriend on our first date by coming up behind him and saying, "Jacob, I am Kelly's father!" So that was cool. Enjoys discussing his career over dinner. Thus our dinner conversation frequently consists of vagina and surgery talk. To me this is normal.
Mom: Mary Kay consultant. This is good for me because all my makeup is free. Has overactive tear ducts just like I do, as previously mentioned. Is frighteningly good at contorting her face. We often have scary face contests. One day I will win. One day. Is a video taping master. Does an impeccable ostrich impression because she has hyperextended knees. Is now in possession of a titanium knee because of said condition. Sunburns easily. Is indulgent of father's dinner conversation. Lord God in our dog's eyes.
Brother: High school junior. Three years younger, almost one foot taller than I. When I was doing my college visits, everyone thought he was the one there for the tour. People sometimes think we're dating if we're out to lunch together or whatever. Once allowed me to straighten his super curly hair. Laughs like a woman when you tickle him. Collects dragon statues. Is fond of me although I was a horrific older sister when we were kids. For example, I once convinced him that it would be a wonderful idea to go stand naked on the roof. He did. He was four.
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