Pew-Pew-Pewbs. And other unnecessary things.

Apes. That is what humans are supposedly evolved from. We have come so far from our lumbering ancestors! And yet, we still have pubic hair. What the fuck, evolution?

Pubes.

Pubes are dumb. They are itchy and get caught on shit and are ugly and UNNECESSARY. Pubes were there to protect our early neanderthal brethren (and...sistren....?) from the pokey, injurious world. But we have clothes now for that. We learned to walk upright and have become less hairy in other places, but pesky friggin pubes still remain. WHY? WHYYYYY? 

Appendixes.

Again. Useless. Potentially dangerous. Even life-threatening. And yet there they remain, our little appendixes, hanging like the floppy little shit sacks they are from our cecums. (The plural of that in Latin is actually cica, in case you were wondering). STUPID. GO AWAY. We don't need you to digest the thorny sticks or whatever it was primitive humans used to eat.

Wisdom teeth.

God that was a shitty surgery. Everyone told me it was going to be fine. But then I freaked out, as per usual, and was sobbing uncontrollably so they gave me three times as much valium as they normally give people because I couldn't calm the heck down and so I puked afterward. And couldn't rinse my mouth. For fear of dry sockets. Get out of our lives, wisdom teeth. GO. 

Tonsils.

So many infections. So many things to go wrong. I get tonsil stones and I want to kick babies in their faces every time I have one because it hurts and it makes my breath smell and there is nothing good about it. REMOVE YOURSELVES FROM OUR LIVES, TONSILS. Forever. Please? 

Pickles.

No. Gross. The government must eliminate them.