SWEAT

You guys. I sweat sooooo much. It's gross. I sweat like a giant hairy lumberjack who has just got back from chopping down a 5,000-foot tree when it's 9 billion degrees outside.

Or something like that.

And it's not just my armpits....it's like, everything. It's super embarrassing. The worst is the butt sweat...or back of thighs sweat...whatever it is. Whenever I wear skirts or shorts you can count on there being a little sweaty sweat mark on all my damn chairs. I know, right? It's really attractive. And it's not even when I'm hot, it's just allll the time. It's the worst when I'm out to eat with friends or something and we're sitting in a booth and I have to get out to go to the bathroom and I know, I KNOW, they see my nasty butt/thigh sweat mark but they're too nice to say anything about it. And when I get up from seats that have leathery-esque cushions on them my thighs make a little de-sticking noise when I stand up. Cool. I don't even know how I have friends.

Also my face. I put on makeup every morning, I swear to god, and it just goes away. My pores reject everything I guess. My little sebaceous glands are like, NO! No makeup! I do not want this nasty creamy flesh-toned GOOP ON ME!! If you would just accept it, face, you would see how much lovelier you would look. Truly. I don't know why I bother anymore.

And my hair. No. I don't even want it. I have these stupid little fart cowlicks on both damn sides of my head because the universe wanted me to have unattractive little flappy hair dumbs no matter what way I part my hair. Thanks, universe. Truly. You have made me so happy. I often will use my little baby straightener to tame them, but tis usually no use. I move one inch and the sweat glands on my scalp are all, SHE'S MOVING EVERYONE!! GOGOGOGO RELEASE THE DAM! YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN SHE COULD BE TOO HOT! It could be NOW!!! Thanks for the concern, scalpy sweat glands, but I'm really OK. Seriously, one day try and restrain yourselves and you'll see. Happiness for everyone.

And of course my armpits sweat obnoxiously too. I can't tell you how many white shirts I've ruined. White shirts that I really liked....I don't get those nice ladylike sweat tacos. I get sweat 16 oz. steaks. There are times when it gets to the bottom of my rib cage. Joy and rapture.

Am I alone? Please tell me someone else sweats this much.