You suck at driving.

You do. Everybody sucks at driving but me. I am a WONDERFUL driver. But an angry one. I am a very happy person. Always smiling and whatnot. Not very many people see me get legitimately angry. Those who have driven with me, however, have born witness to the angry driving monster that lives inside me.

Driving Rule Nummer Eins:
Four-way stops. Learn how to use them. DON'T HESITATE, PEOPLE. It's simple. I will tell you what to do. Ready? If you get there first, you go first.

WHAT???

No, really. It's that damn easy. If you get there at the same time, the person to your right goes first. If the person is across from you, BE ASSERTIVE and just GO. Because it's likely that the person across from you is a moron like everyone else and will sit there waving his hands about at you and then begin to go and get nervous and stop. So you're good. Go. Please. For the love of god, drive.

Driving Rule Nummer Zwei:
Speed limits are there not only to mark a technically lawful limit to how fast you can go, but because people will generally be going that speed. So if you're on a road with, say, a 45-mph speed limit and you're going 25, you're an asshole and should be removed from the road immediately. Have you ever noticed, you dumb dumb slow dumb drivers, the GIANT LINE OF CARS BEHIND YOU?? Most of them are screaming at you. Please please them and press on that accelerator juuuuuust a little bit. You can do it, Grandma Pearl.

Driving Rule Nummer Drei:
Parking lines are your friend. They're not guidelines, like, hey if you park in the general area of where these lines are, you're good to go. It's more like, hey put your wheels between me. Think of parking lines as that slut you've been dreaming of running into at the bar who will quickly agree to be your fun buddy for the night. These parking lines are ALREADY SPREAD APART for you to enter into them.  They beckon to you. Would you be OK with just going "somewhere around the slut's vag?" No, because this would end badly. Same thing with parking, dude. Same thing.

Such basic concepts, and yet people so frequently fail...everyone should retake their driver's tests. Except me. Cause I don't suck at driving like you do.